


Reconstructing the Universe

by kronette



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: F/M, Masturbation, Other, Ratings: R
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-29
Updated: 2012-01-29
Packaged: 2017-10-30 07:34:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 28,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/329352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kronette/pseuds/kronette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a reimagination of Red Dwarf from "The End," based on the supposition that it wasn't Lister in stasis, it was McGruder, Rimmer's one-time lover.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Awakening

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers: Through series 6 and the novel Last Human.  
> Ratings vary by chapter, so check before reading.

Arnold fell to his knees and screamed, curling around himself in protection. The white light. The indescribable heat. It was…

It wasn't.

He raised his arm from around his head and peered under it. Nothing. The barely-discernible _whoosh_ of the air scrubbers was the only sound that he heard. He stood and scanned the immediate area, but no one was at their stations. Some odd piles of white powder were scattered on chairs, consoles and the floor. He swiped his finger through one, but it came back empty. Frowning, he tried again.

He stared at his completely clean finger and felt a dull awareness begin.

His brain furiously told him that his finger _had_ touched the powder. But his finger had gone straight through without picking up a molecule. The mound of powder was undisturbed. He stared at his now-trembling hand and pressed it to the console. A sob stuck in his throat as his hand went through the metal without pause.

He snatched his hand back and cradled it to his chest, looking wildly around. Where were the others? Why was no one there to explain to him what had happened? His frantic glances fell to the powder piles scattered about and another dull awareness throbbed at the back of his mind, one he refused to acknowledge.

He tested his voice. "Hello?" he called to the empty room. "Holly?" The ship's computer would know what happened. Holly still had to be online in order for him to be activated.

Hysterical laughter tittered in the recesses of his mind – well, it wasn't his mind anymore, now was it? It was a mass of particles projected by the computer. _He_ was a mass of particles projected by the computer.

He was a hologram. He was dead. But how? The white light. That white light was the first thing he remembered. Had that killed him?

"Hey, Arnold," the monitor behind Arnold blinked to life.

He spun with his hands raised in defensive mode. When he saw it was Holly, he relaxed somewhat. "Holly, what's going on? Why am I a hologram?" he babbled.

"Here's the thing," the computer began to explain. "I brought you back…"

"How did I die?" Arnold interrupted. "Was it the white light I remember?"

"Yes," Holly answered impatiently. "A radioactive surge took out the crew. A drive plate wasn't properly sealed and Cadmium II flooded the ship in less than five seconds. I couldn't seal off the decks fast enough. No one had any hope of survival." The disembodied head nodded to a powder pile near another pile on the floor. "That was you." 

Arnold stared at the dust that used to be him as his head reeled. _Took out the crew._ The crew was dead. Everyone on _Red Dwarf_ was dead because a drive plate wasn't… Drive. Plate. A horrible, terrible memory surfaced; _he_ was supposed to have fixed a drive plate. Captain Hollister had called him to the drive room to rip him a new one as he sent another team down to fix _his_ mistake. That had…? "I killed them," he whispered in horrified awe. 

"I suppose," Holly replied without feeling.

A flicker of annoyance at Holly's insensitivity was obliterated by the sheer overwhelming magnitude of knowledge that Arnold J. Rimmer had committed mass murder. He had trouble swallowing through his dry-as-a-desert throat. He'd killed the crew. His mistake had killed everyone. Then another, horrible thought presented itself. His voice cracked nervously as he asked, "Is that why you've brought me back? To stand trial for murder?"

"Nah," Holly looked as though he shrugged, if he'd had shoulders. "They'd all be dead by now, anyway. Don't see the point of harping on past things, me."

He latched onto Holly's phrasing. "What do you mean ‘they'd all be dead by now'? How much time," he glanced down at the piles of powder and gulped, "has passed since the leak?"

Holly appeared to be doing some calculations as his head bobbed. "Three million years, give or take a few centuries."

He stumbled back and went right through the central station. "Three mill – _three million years_!" It was an incomprehensible number. A thousandth of a thousandth of a…a person lived to a hundred twenty, maybe 130 years, but this was…this was…" _Three million_!"

"Give or take a few centuries. I lost count after the first two million," Holly admitted.

Hysterics were becoming Arnold's new best friend. "How can a computer, with an IQ of 6,000 no less, _lose track of time_?" he bellowed.

Holly's face screwed up in indignation. "Oi, I've been by myself for most of that time. You can't expect a sane person to stay sane after millennia on their own."

"You're not a _person_!" he breathed hotly. "You're a bunch of programming. How can programming go insane?"

Holly huffed and retorted, "I'm an intelligent piece of programming. I was fitted with all the data of the human race, then given AI processors to adapt and learn. I'm as much a person as you are." Holly flicked a disdainful sneer over Arnold's frame. "More a person than you are at the moment, seeing as you're nothing but light projection."

"Smeg off, you overgrown calculator with an ego!" Arnold snapped as he wrapped his arms tightly around his chest. He was shivering though he wasn't cold. Shock, perhaps. His head was spinning at the idea that he was three million years into the future. Three million years! It was nearly incomprehensible. Three hundred thousand millennia. Hang on a moment.

"Why did you activate me if the crew's dead?" he questioned the computer. "Why wait until three million years have passed? Why activate me _now_?" His mind raced to come up with an explanation. "Something's happened, hasn't it? Are we on a collision course with a star? Are aliens attacking? What?"

Holly sighed deeply. "I had to wait three million years for the background radiation to drop to safe levels."

That statement completely baffled him. "Safe levels…for what? Holograms can't be affected by radiation."

Holly's answer was spoken so nonchalantly, the importance almost passed right over Arnold's head. "No, but human tissue can."

"So what does…that…have…" his voice trailed off to nothing as Holly's words penetrated through the panic-stricken screams inside his skull. "You said the crew were dead."

"I did," the computer confirmed.

"Yet human tissue can be affected by radiation, and you had to wait three million years until the radiation dropped to safe background levels."

"Yes," the computer confirmed.

Arnold rounded on the biggest monitor in the room and screamed at the top of his lungs, " _Who else is on this ship, you idiotically smegging piece of smegging smeg_?"

"There's no reason to shout," Holly looked affronted. "It's actually quite a humorous story."

"I'm. Not. Laughing," he fumed, half-scared out of his mind at what might actually be alive, if it weren't human.

Holly was oblivious to his anger as he recounted, "Apparently, there was this mix-up, see? Your old bunkmate, Dave Lister, was going to be put into stasis for bringing a pregnant cat on board from Titan."

Despite his irritation at Holly, hearing that Lister had finally gotten what was coming to him improved Arnold's mood considerably. "I knew it!" He snapped his fingers. "I knew that gimboid would eventually get caught doing something stupid."

Holly continued as though he hadn't interjected. "But the crew couldn't find the cat in order to bring formal charges against Lister. Rumor was that Kochanski had it; then word spread that Greggory was keeping it in his quarters. Finally, it was located and the cat-hiding offender placed in stasis."

The joy that Lister had finally gotten caught faded as Arnold realized what Holly was saying. "Is there someone in stasis, Holly?" he breathed, afraid he might be wrong. "Are they still alive?"

Holly shot him a deranged grin. "Alive and well. Considering the length of time, it's quite remarkable."

Someone was still alive! He wasn't alone with a computer whose IQ had fallen to that of a game-show host. "Who is it?" he asked, growing excited. "Do I know them?" _Red Dwarf_ had a crew complement of over 1,000. He barely knew a handful of them, but still. Maybe he'd get lucky and they'd never crossed paths.

Holly's shifty eyes wouldn't look at him. "I should tell you something, first."

"Holly!" he threatened, trying to make himself appear more authoritative. His chest felt as though his heart were pounding, though it wasn't quite the feeling he was used to. A simulated heartbeat, then, right. He'd have to get used to that.

Holly looked at the floor, then the ceiling. Then he turned round so the back of his head faced Arnold. "Yvonne McGruder. But there's something you need to know," he stressed.

Arnold passed through the chair on his way to falling into it and ended up planting his arse on the floor. His one-time lover was the one person kept alive? It was miraculous. It was fated among the stars. He could set things right with her…he looked up from his seat on the floor. He couldn't do smeg-all as a hologram.

Fate was a cruel bastard.

He rested his head in his hands and muttered, "What else could you possibly tell me?"

Holly's voice was hesitant. "I think you should look at the monitor. I've brought up her medical records."

His immediate thought was that she was dying. She had some horrible, terrible disease that would kill her in an hour and he'd be left all alone for eternity with a computer gone peculiar. Disheartened, he sighed, "Just tell me, Holly."

"She'd gone to medi-bay a week before being caught with Lister's cat. They ran a full medical." Arnold's heart sank the longer Holly talked. "It seems that she was thirteen weeks pregnant when she was put in stasis."

A satisfied sneer curled Arnold's lips. The hussy! She'd gone and gotten herself up the duff – probably some stud on B shift; they were known playboys. Probably an officer who up and left her high and dry, knowing he would be ruining her career. Good on him! Served the bitch right for not calling him and asking him out on another date. Served her right for breaking his heart.

He twisted to his feet and took perverse pleasure in asking Holly, "Does the report say who the father is? I bet it's Langley. It is, isn't it? The playboy of B Shift."

"Try a little closer," Holly encouraged.

Arnold blinked in surprise. "Someone on Zed Shift?" Someone had the balls to have sex with McGruder after he'd told of their exploit? How dare they! If they weren't already dead, he'd have them on report. Hell, he'd put them on report, anyway.

"You're right on top of him."

Arnold glanced down, afraid he was standing in someone's remains, but no. His feet were clear. That queer feeling of dull awareness began at the back of his mind and his eyes widened at Holly, who was looking at him rather expectantly. Like he was supposed to already know who the father was. "Me?" he squeaked.

"Give the man a cigar. Oh, wait." Holly popped a cigar into Arnold's hand. "There you are, Dad."

He dropped the offending blunt to the floor, where it promptly vanished. "Don't call me that!"

Holly was smirking at him. "You prefer ‘Pop'? ‘Old Man'?"

"Stop it!" He began to agitatedly pace. "I mean it, stop it right now!" He dug his fingers into his hair. "I can't be a father. I'm not ready."

"You've had three million years, Arnold," Holly intoned dryly. "I don't know of a man who's had more prep time."

"That's not fair! I've only just found out!" He slowed his pacing. "Why didn't she tell me? Was I that…bad?" He replayed their liaison, but recalled nothing in her manner afterward that indicated he'd done anything wrong. It had been…brief, but not off-putting.

"You'd have to ask her that," Holly interrupted his brooding.

"Ask her – _no_!" he yelped. "You're not to wake her. Not yet. I can't see her like this."

"What; dead?" Holly said sardonically.

"No; _yes_ , you git!" He stared at his upturned palms. "I can't touch anything. How can I help raise our child if I can't hold it or feed it? Can't play catch or give it Hammond organ lessons?" He turned to Holly with determination shining in his eyes. "Holly, I'm ordering you to keep her in stasis until we figure out a way to make me whole again. Please."

He held a non-existent breath until Holly agreed. "Fine, I'll keep her on ice. But there's a few other bits and bobs you should know."

"Oh, for smeg's sake, what now? Aliens have wiped out civilization as we knew it? I've been named chairman of the Interplanetary Federation? What?" Arnold was about out of the limited patience he'd woken up with. This was all too much: finding out he'd died, been brought back as a hologram, caused the entire crew's death except for McGruder who was pregnant with his child. It had been a full day, indeed.

"Lister's cat was in the hold during the radiation leak. It was the only section of the ship I was able to seal off before the leak spread. The cat survived along with her kittens, and in the ensuing three million years, a new humanoid race was created - based on cats instead of apes. _Felis sapiens_ , I named them."

Arnold's head was beginning to hurt, but no amount of rubbing of his temples helped. "Lister's pet cat evolved?"

A sound partway between a yowl and a scream erupted on the monitor and Arnold peered closer. It looked human enough. "So, that's a cat?"

"The domestic housecat after three millions years of evolution," Holly confirmed. "He's got quite the singing voice."

Another yowl through the speakers caused Arnold to wince. "Not from where I'm standing."

Holly actually sounded enamored. "Oh, wait ‘til he gets going. A whole song and dance routine, that one has."

He studied the creature, not really seeing much by way of cat-like abilities. There wasn't even a tail. "Is he the only one?"

Holly looked dejected. "Sadly, yes. They had a falling out a few centuries ago. There's a whole lore on them in the databanks, somewhere. I'll have to dust it off…"

"Don't bother," Arnold sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. It was true, then; Holly had gone senile. He'd have to act carefully around the computer, seeing as the entire ship – including _him_ – was run by his fricasseed processors. He sent the monitor a very controlled, careful smile. "I mean, thank you, Holly. Whenever you can find it is absolutely fine. There's no rush."

Holly continued as though he hadn't heard him. "He's fascinating. Not much by way of intellectual conversation, but we've had a few laughs."

"I'll be sure to be on the lookout," Arnold promised insincerely, drawn to his new hologrammatic form. He flexed his fingers, marveling at the feel of them. He stroked a fingertip across the back of his hand. It didn't quite feel like skin, it had more vibrancy; more energy to it.

He of course knew about holograms, having been in the Space Corps for twelve years. He had a vague knowledge of how they worked, but he was a Second Technician on board a ship with crew's complement of 1,169. He'd never had cause to worry about being activated as a hologram, therefore he never bothered to learn more about their construction and upkeep.

"Holly, how long will my projection last? I mean, will I die again?" he asked the monitor.

"Nah, no fear of that," Holly answered with a shake of his head. "I cut power to all but the main areas of the ship to conserve energy. We've got plenty of fuel to keep you going."

A faint hope bloomed in his chest. "Are you saying I could be dead forever?"

Holly seemed to think for a bit. "Don't see why not."

"Yes!" He fist-pumped the air. He had no fear of being replaced by a higher ranking dead officer. He didn't have to fill out insurance forms, his will, death- and hologram-status papers or even write his eulogy. The best part – the absolute best part – about being dead was that he got to go on living.

His elation slowly faded to numbness as he stared at his clenched fist. An eternity of not being able to touch anything. Unable to feel anything. Taste anything.

And then there was his child that McGruder was carrying. He wanted to be there for his child, in a way his parents hadn't for him. He didn't want to make the same mistakes – _any_ mistakes – with his child. But he knew smeg-all about how an actual functional family functioned. "Holly, does the ship's library have anything on pregnancy and parenting?" he mused.

It took longer than few seconds before Holly answered, "Should have."

He nodded. It was a good place to start. He'd need a revision chart to pace his learning. He didn't want to keep McGruder in stasis any longer than truly needed, but he didn't want to screw this up, too.

Cursing himself for not thinking to ask as soon as he'd learned about McGruder and the baby, he asked Holly, "Are she and the baby okay? I mean, nothing's happened to them in three million years, has it?" His face paled. "You didn't activate me for them, did you?"

"They're fine," Holly assured him. "Though they are the reason I brought you back. Once they come out of stasis, they're going to need someone around to keep them sane." 

"Sane?" he laughed hysterically. "I'm supposed to keep them sane? Holly, I don't know that either of _us_ is sane!"

The computer didn't seem the least bit concerned about his concern. "S'all right. We'll do our best."

Holly trusted that of all the people on the ship, _he_ was the one who could keep McGruder sane? "Are you sure I'm cut out for this?" he asked faintly.

"What? You're the child's father. They're the last humans alive," Holly explained. "I calculated that you'd have the most motivation to keep them healthy."

 _His_ ex-lover and _his_ child were the last human beings alive. The thought made his head spin crazily and he found himself grinning madly even while his stomach turned sour. The last two humans alive and _he_ was being entrusted to keep them sane. _His_ DNA was the last of the human race. _He_ suddenly felt very, very sick.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=

The next few weeks were hell. He and Holly argued over which direction to turn _Red Dwarf_. Three million years were spent heading away from the Milky Way galaxy, so they were in completely uncharted territory. He would have banged his head on the console if he'd been able. It _would_ have been _completely charted_ territory if Holly had been in his right mind and actually recorded where he'd been. As it was, they were in some other galaxy, an unknown distance from home and only a rough idea of which way led home. He nixed Holly's idea to rock-paper-scissors for it and ordered the computer to turn the ship 180 degrees.

Then there was the matter of his body. He wanted a real one, but Holly didn't know how to make one. "Surely it's a matter of artificial intelligence," Arnold reasoned. "And since you're a being with AI, you should be able to figure it out."

"Intelligence isn't the problem," Holly argued. "Even with the work of roboticist Professor Mamet, you'll still need someone to build a robotic body. And even if that were possible, you'd need to be able to download your personality chip into the robot."

"And what's wrong with that?" he asked as he crossed his arms.

"It's never been done before," Holly enunciated carefully. "A human conscious has never been placed into an artificial body."

Arnold's confidence plummeted as his arms slowly fell to his sides. "Oh."

Lastly, there was the library. Arnold's voice commands still worked to call up the electronic books and turn the pages, but he couldn't take notes. The pressure to retain what he was reading was beginning to get to him. "Are you sure this Spock character is a child psychologist?" he asked again.

Holly hummed an affirmative. "Sold two trillion copies of his book since the 20th century."

He peered closer at the cover, where the blue-shirted man with the pointy ears stared back at him. "Then why does this jacket sleeve talk about a planet called Vulcan wanting to secede from the United Federation of Planets? What does this have to do with child-rearing?" He raised an eyebrow at Holly, who actually blushed.

"Um, right. Yeah." The book vanished and was replaced by another, this one appearing to be correct.

He tried to keep his cool. It wouldn't do to raise his voice or belittle Holly, as his sanity – or lack thereof – was the only thing that was keeping Arnold alive. He gave a bright smile and thanked Holly, then began reading in earnest.

He got through Chua, Spock, Brown and Freud, several volumes of _Pregnancy_ and _Parents_ , vids from the top experts of the day (circa 2050-2155) and capped off his stint in the world of families by watching the how-to vid, _Changing Nappies Made Easy_.

Arnold rubbed his scratchy eyes. He didn't need sleep as he wasn't alive, but he felt tired all the same. "Holly, I'm going to bed. I _can_ sleep, can't I?" he asked worriedly.

"Of course you can, Arnold. Your body works the same way as before, just not the same way as before," he was completely _not_ assured.

With trepidation, Arnold entered his quarters and found them to be exactly the same, with one small difference. A white pile of dust was sat on one of the chairs. Lister's favored chair. The man was a total git while alive, but no one deserved to die like that. "Sorry," he muttered, grateful that Holly either didn't hear or chose not to comment.

His gaze fell to the bed and he eyed it suspiciously. "Can I lie down? I won't…sink into it, will I?"

Holly sniffed and rolled his eyes. "No, I adjust your center of gravity so you'll be able to lie down on it and stay above the mattress and sheets."

Arnold didn't trust the computer. Not one bit. The thought of sinking through the bed, the floor and several hundred decks below him was highly unappealing. "You're sure? You've done this before?"

Holly exasperation knew no bounds. "I have an IQ of 6,000 and I've managed dozens of holograms. Of course I can compute your center of gravity in relation to the dimensional space of your Space Corps issued sheets and mattress."

Arnold was suddenly staring down at his pyjama-clad holographic body.

Holly finished his tirade with, "Now get to bed before I do something nasty to your hair while you sleep."

He wasted no time in settling down, surprised to actually be able to feel the hardness of the mattress beneath him. It was weird looking over at what remained of Lister, so he turned his back to the room, curled his arms around himself and went to sleep.

When he woke, it was to Holly's nattering on about the cat life form.

"The cat's promised to come up today to meet you. He's been incredibly busy searching for lady cats, you see, and I hadn't the heart to tell him they're gone."

Not that he cared, but Arnold had to keep up appearances. He tried to project enthusiasm as he asked, "Where'd they go, then?"

Holly's tone was somber and his eyes were lost in thought. "Those that didn't die in the holy war were disgusted with living on the ship, so they took some of the Midgets and set off for a planet to settle on. The few that remained have died off over the years."

"That's tragic," Arnold tutted automatically, though he did actually feel a twinge of sadness at the lives of the cat race. To almost wipe yourselves out in war, then to abandon your home? It sounded a lot like the smegging Earthers. He was once again reminded how lucky he was to have been born on Io. "I'll keep your secret, Holly," he promised, seeming somehow to know it was what Holly needed him to say.

"Cheers, mate," Holly replied.

He stood and stretched, scratching idly at his arm. "How were you able to change me into my pyjamas?" he asked absently as he rubbed his palms down the front of the "home sweet home" embroidered top.

"I control your projection unit, Arnold," Holly explained. "Any time you want something changed about yourself, I can do it for you." Without waiting for Arnold to ask, Holly changed him back into his uniform. "Just like that."

That was…discerning, to say the least. He sent the monitor a sickly smile. "Thanks." He whirled as he heard a faint sound echo in the corridor outside his room. "What's that?" he asked nervously.

"That's the cat," Holly said with an eager smile. "Sounds like he's in a good mood."

The sound grew louder until Arnold could make out the individual, drawn-out, "hey's," and "yeah's." The creature Holly thought was a cat danced sideways into the room, spun around on one foot three times, and ended with hands splayed out and feet apart as though it were Gene Kelly.

Arnold took a step back as he noticed the creature's teeth – pointy incisors, like a vampire's. Or a cat, he supposed, but he wasn't going to take any chances.

The creature didn't seem to notice him. It took out a pocket mirror, comb, hair spray and mousse and began to touch up its hair. Seemingly preoccupied with its appearance, Arnold let his gaze take in the rest of the creature. Chartreuse suit buttoned over a lace-frilled shirt, highly polished ankle boots, perfectly folded kerchief in the breast pocket and a dash of eye make-up. Eye make-up? Arnold blinked. The creature was looking at him!

"Hey, bud!" the creature said, sidling up to him. "The head-dude said there was a new guy in town." The creature looked him up and down, then frowned. "Bud, don't you know that beige is last century? And it clashes with that thingy on your head." It adjusted its jacket. "You definitely need my fashion expertise!"

He found his voice somewhere beneath his stomach, overwhelmed by the cat's personality. "Ah, fashion expertise?"

"Yeah!" the creature agreed. "I can't be seen with someone who doesn't know the difference between maroon and burgundy." It pressed its nose in Arnold's face. "You _do_ know the difference, don't you, bud?"

He gave a sickly laugh. "Of course I do! Who doesn't?" he lied. "It's just that I can't change. I'm a hologram."

The creature started sniffing at him. "What's a hologram?"

Before he could answer, Holly chimed in. "Here, now, Arnold, I just explained that I can change you into anything you want." To prove his point, Holly started randomly changing his clothes, from his proper uniform to a bright green tunic, a toga, a classic 20th century military general's uniform, his blue vending repair jumpsuit, a gingham dress with army boots and finally back to his regular uniform.

"HOLLY!" he raged in indignation, his impotence to actually do anything about it making him even more furious. To his eternal frustration, the cat was laughing at him. "Stop laughing right this instant," he shouted at the feline. "I said stop it, you filthy fleabag!" 

The cat abruptly sobered and got in his face. "I'm cleaner than you'll ever hope to be, bud, so you better watch what you say."

"My name," he seethed. "Is not _bud_ , it is _Arnold_ _._ Arnold Rimmer. Learn it, m'laddo and get it right."

The cat sneered at him and adjusted its sleeves. "I don't know what you just said, but I don't like it." It pushed at his chest, and its hand went straight through and out his back. "Whoa, bud, what are you?"

Disgusted, Arnold stepped to the side until the cat's arm was out of his body. "My _name_ is _Arnold_ and I'm _dead_ , you git. I'm not actually here; I'm just a light projection of who I used to be. I can't touch anything and I can't be touched."

"Can't touch anything?" the creature looked horrified. "What about lady cats? What do you do with them?"

"I'm human," Arnold explained, though he wasn't sure why he bothered. If he spent any more time with the cat, his intelligence would seep out his ears. "I don't like lady cats. I like human women."

The creature wrinkled its nose. "You're a monkey?" It sniffed him a few times. "At least you don't smell bad."

What on Io do you say to something like that? "Er, thanks?"

The cat started to inspect Arnold's quarters. "You got any food? I'm hungry!" It started to reach for the powder that was on Lister's chair.

"Don't touch that!" Arnold bellowed, trying to block the cat's outstretched hand.

The cat hissed and raised its hands claw-like. "Don't get between a cat and his food, dead-dude. That's your only warning."

"Lister isn't food! That's...that _was_ , my bunkmate." He dropped his defensive position and stared down at what used to be Lister. "All the humans on board were killed by a radiation leak. That was Dave Lister. He brought you on board," he recalled absently. "Well, your ancestors, anyway."

"He brought Frankenstein on board?" the cat questioned. "That's Cloister?" It immediately dropped to all fours and bowed its head.

"Holly," Arnold called out of the side of his mouth, "What is the insane cat creature doing?"

"Cloister is their god. He's paying his respects."

He felt a headache coming on and rubbed at his temples. "Splendid."

=-=-=-=-=-=

Having the cat around wasn't much different than being alone. It spent most of it's time in front of mirrors or napping. Of course, when the cat wanted food, it was in Arnold's hair, so to speak, so he taught it how to order from the vending machines. He'd seen the creature carrying no less than six trays of food at one time, off to find the nearest horizontal surface to lay out its bounty and stuff its face.

At least the creature was fastidiously neat. Arnold never, ever, _never_ , wanted to see a cat cleanse itself again, especially when it was over five feet tall. He'd winced at the contortions, though he couldn't help but admire the flexibility.

He shook himself out of his reverie and returned to his parenting studies. He was now well into the triple digits of the _Parents_ volumes, but it was all starting to blur. He wasn't remembering much, and wasn't the point of all of this so that he would be a better parent? He sighed. "Computer, I think it's time to switch to vids again."

His monitor lit up with hundreds of selections, all scrolling by so fast he couldn't read any of it. "Computer, stop!" he called, jabbing his finger at the top vid on the screen. The tip of his finger went through the monitor and he snatched it back. "Just play the first one and keep going down the list until I say ‘stop'. Sort them in order of popularity." 

The screen list reshuffled and the first vid began playing. He sighed and again wished he could settle back in the chair and get comfortable, but it was something he was getting used to. He rested his right elbow in his left palm, rested his chin on his right hand and gradually leaned forward until his elbow was resting on his thigh.

He startled awake when he slid face-first to the floor. "Advance rear guard!" he shouted as he scrambled to his feet, absolutely convinced he was under attack from space aliens. When no attacks were forthcoming, in fact, nothing at all was forthcoming, his heart slowed its simulated racing and he settled back down in the chair.

He finally registered the droning tone of someone speaking; the monitor spinned on the latest vid, _Your Teenager's Teenage Years_. "Computer, stop playback," he ordered dejectedly. It was no use. He couldn't even stay awake to watch vids of children growing up; how could he actually participate in his child's upbringing?

"Holly," he called to the air, watching for the head's projection to appear.

"What's to it, Arnold?" Holly replied as he popped into view.

"Holly, I'm going to be a failure," he moaned softly.

"Too true," the computer agreed.

"Holly! You're not supposed to agree with me," he wailed, his heart sinking even further. He propped his chin in his fists, sighing heavily. "Maybe it's best if we leave McGruder in stasis. She's safer there, anyway."

"Probably for the best," Holly agreed.

He rose out of his seat and glared at the monitor. " _You're not supposed to agree with me_!" he shouted again, waving his hands wildly about. "You're supposed to convince me that I will be a good father, that I won't screw it up and that McGruder and I will work it out."

Holly paused for a few seconds. "So you want me to lie?"

"Yes, lie!" Arnold spat as he threw his hands in the air.

"All right," Holly said with a nod. "Noted for future conversations."

He buried his head in his hands and wondered at the hell that was his death.

=-=-=-=-=

Arnold had been activated for six and three quarter months. Six and three quarter months of studying up on parenting, birth, children and families had given him a better handle on what to expect when Holly brought McGruder out of stasis. He felt confident that he'd be able to help her raise their child – as confident as he could, since he would be unable to help her actually _pick their child up_.

He stared at his hands that rested on his knees. Six and three quarter months of being unable to touch anything. Six and three quarter months unable to feel anything, eat anything or drink anything. His hands wanted something to _do_. His hands wanted to _touch_. But, he could only touch himself. He'd found himself doing it quite often, without realizing. He'd be reading a book, calling out, "turn," at the end of a screen, and absently noticed a warm rubbing on the back of his hand or pressure stroking along his thigh. He'd swallowed thickly, clasped his hands together between his knees and resumed reading. When he'd caught his fingers rubbing sensually along his collarbone under his shirt, he'd squeaked, jumped up and went for a very long run until he was too exhausted to even lift his arms.

The more he tried to stop thinking about it, the worse it got. Sexsexsexsexsex. He bit his lip and tried to force it out of his mind, but there it was again, sexsexsexsexsex staring back at him from the posters of half-clad women on Lister's bunk walls. Sexsexsexsexsex in the interlocking metal slats of the walls, seamlessly joined together. Sexsexsexsexsex at the phallic shape of the tube of toothpaste. Sexsexsexsexsex went too far when his mind actually believed Lister's electronic goldfish were shagging and he lamented that he couldn't swim to join them. 

He buried his face in his hands and wondered if he was going mad from lack of sex. He hadn't when he was alive, but he had his career to occupy his time. Now, he had nothing to distract himself from his traitorous, lecherous body that wanted him to do unspeakable, sickening, sexually deviant things to it.

He swallowed painfully and looked down at his penis, happily tenting away at his pants, making itself known in the most obvious way that it wanted attention. _Now_. His hands clawed at his knees, digging into the simulated flesh in the hope that pain would lessen the need. To his distress, his penis seemed to like the bit of pain and jerked slightly as if asking for more.

"Nononono _no_ ," he chanted under his breath. This couldn't be happening. Holly must have mixed up the holo-discs when he was activated. This couldn't be his body, reacting to stimulation the way it was. _His_ body was tightly controlled. _His_ body obeyed his commands that sex came second to his career.

He groaned softly at the memory of his one sexual encounter, how his body had succumbed in less than three minutes, but it had been a glorious, fantastic, extraordinary three minutes. He wanted to experience that again. His body demandedit. His mind quickly got on board, but one teensy problem remained.

Holly.

Arnold couldn't _do_ anything without Holly knowing, and while a sexual deviant he may be, he wasn't an exhibitionist. It would take seconds to verbally secure the door from the cat's prowling; no problem. It would be quite another feat figuring out how to cover the monitor in his living quarters, and how the _smeg_ was he supposed to hide his body's reactions from Holly's inquisitive prodding when the computer was projecting it?

He closed his eyes, breathed shallowly and forced his mind away from any sexual thought. Icebergs. Deserts. The unending void of space.

McGruder's eyes twinkling with starlight and a bit of concussed confusion.

"Damn it!" he shouted, punching his clenched fist down on his own thigh in staccato beats. When his penis actually found that _enjoyable_ , he gave up all pretense.

With a weary sigh, he called out, "Holly, can you change me into my pyjamas, please?"

Holly popped up on the monitor and stared at him in surprise. "Bit early for you, isn't it?'

Feeling heat on his face and neck, he bravely admitted, "I'm going to masturbate, Holly, and I'd appreciate a little privacy."

Holly stuck out his lower lip and nodded as though he'd just been given a philosophical enigma to solve. "You've lasted longer than most. I'll leave you to it, then." Holly disappeared from the monitor and Arnold's clothes disappeared from his body, leaving him sitting naked on his bed holding a tube of Astroglide.

"Door, lock!" he squealed as he dropped the tube and dove sideways onto his bunk and tried to curl into a ball to hide his nakedness. "Secure door privacy lock, authorization Rimmer 55203 Gamma." He lay in silence for a few minutes, listening for …what, exactly?

Miss Dohring chastising him for daring to look at Suze Baxton, the most developed girl in Year 7? Mr. Muhulley, who cuffed him on the ear for peering over the bleachers down into the girl's gym class, only because he'd taken the git's spot? Or worse, his mother, who once caught him chatting with a neighbor girl when he was eleven years old? She'd washed his mouth with soap, scrubbed him head to toe with cleaner, made him sit in the corner without supper, took everything out of his room of any value to him and made him write in a composition notebook, "I will be a successful Space Corps officer," until it was filled.

Well. That took care of his incessant erection, now didn't it? He curled in on himself, tucking his legs up a bit further to his chest than a grown man had any right. He lay facing the wall, his bare back to the empty room, but didn't feel chilled. He didn't feel anything.

He slowly became aware of ghost touches to his left arm. The slight rasp of fingertips just over his skin, gentling the hairs back and forth in a sensuous movement drew gooseflesh. The pad of his thumb brushed over the skin of his left shoulder, drawing a full-body shudder. He curled his hand, rubbing his stubby nails delicately across his upper chest toward the nipple, which he wasn't aware had any feelings on the matter, but encouraged him in a shot straight to his groin that woke up his deflated penis.

He rolled onto his back to free his left hand, which went immediately to his inner thighs. His skin tingled where he touched it, leaving the nerves that didn't actually exist dancing in anticipation.

Smegging hell, he was getting turned on by _himself_. And wasn't it _marvelous_?

He arched his back as his nails pressed harder on his abdomen, scratching from hip to hip, and would have left red welts if he'd had a real body. But this felt real enough and he experienced another full body shudder.

Without warning, his penis gave a jerk without him even touching it, sending waves of pleasure up his spine and curling his toes. His chest rose and fell harshly as he gasped for air, but his body wasn't done. His penis was still hard as he wrapped his fingers around it, flicked his thumb across the head and began to stroke in time with his whimpers.

His free hand trailed over his chest, the sensation of _touch_ too much for his brain to process. He spat in his palm and resumed stroking his erection with his right hand, while his left dragged up his thigh. His knees came up as he raised his head, reaching his free hand down to cup his balls. He threw his head back and came again, small spurts of cum dribbling onto his hand as he continued to stroke.

He clutched at the skin where thigh turned into arse, his fingers digging into the flesh of his left buttock. He was half-turned on his side but didn't let up the agonizing, beautiful torture he was undergoing. Sweat broke across his forehead and chest, the trickle down his heated body heightening already peaked stimulation. He was moaning with each desperate breath, his muscles tensing unbearably with each pull of his erection. He felt his climax building to impossible levels, body screaming at him to finish it, to let him come, to break him in two and release everything he'd kept inside his entire life.

The crest broke over him in shockwave after shockwave, nerves frayed, muscles spasming uncontrollably, warmth spilling over his hand as he rode it out, pulling every last sensation out of his wrecked body. 

He was almost on his stomach, his face half in his pillow, struggling to breathe. His right hand was caught beneath him and still wrapped loosely around his softening penis. He felt light-headed with the ecstasy still bringing twitches to his legs and fingers, but underneath it all, melancholy was creeping in.

It felt like he _had_ released everything he'd kept inside his entire life and was left an empty, hollow shell. He'd denied himself for six and three quarter months and now that he'd indulged…it wouldn't ever be better. It would slowly eat at him that this was all he had. He'd arouse himself because no one else could touch him, wank because no one else could touch him, then what? Fall asleep? Go for a jog? Continue his studies? For the rest of eternity?

He was beginning to suspect it would have been better to deny himself, rather than deal with all the smeg. He slowly pulled his mental shields back into place, hating that he'd given in to weakness. No more of that, m'laddo; not Arnie J.

Gathering enough spit to swallow, he righted himself on his bunk, facing the underside of Lister's bunk. The cool air of the ship wafted over him, but he didn't feel it. It didn't dry the sweat on his body; that dried on its own. He stared down at his naked and messy body and grimaced.

"Holly, can I have a shower and a change into my pyjamas, please?" he called, wondering if the computer would have shut off all communication with him or was eavesdropping.

When nothing changed, he surmised he was alone for the rest of the night. He folded his hands over his delicate bits, closed his eyes and tried to sleep.


	2. A New Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rating for this chapter is R for sexual content. Rimmer's wishes come true, but not everything is roses for our lad.

The next day saw a changed Rimmer; a man who had a purpose, who had a vision. A man who was going to get himself a solid body, even if he had to breed aliens in order to get it done.

Okay, so Holly _claimed_ that he'd never come across an alien; did that mean they didn't exist, just because Holly hadn't spotted one in three million years? Of course not. Rimmer didn't let things like logic derail his methodical plans.

He began searching the database for anything on droids or artificial bodies, as his initial search for aliens or alien technology had spit back a report of, "No data found." Not that he actually expected anything to show up, but he didn't trust Holly to know what was in his own processor unit.

Suddenly, a loud bang shook the ship and Rimmer felt like his entire body stretched to infinity. He tried to scream, but nothing came out, then his body was slammed back into itself and his scream echoed down the corridors. "Holly!"

His monitor changed to…something, but the image was so distorted that Rimmer couldn't be sure it was Holly. He only heard a bunch of garbled mess. Just as he was about to erupt into full-blown panic, Holly's face cleared up and he seemed to be back online. "All right, Arnold?"

Rimmer shook his head, trying to calm his racing heart. "What about you? What happened?" he demanded.

Holly distorted again and looked a bit nauseated. "No, I'm not all right. We've just broken the light speed barrier. We're going faster than the speed of light. I can't cope." 

"What?" Rimmer screeched. "How is that possible? I thought light speed was a barrier because it couldn't be broken?" He ran out of the library to a viewport and watched red streaks speed by. "Are those stars?" 

The cat ran around the corner and stopped just short of running straight through him. "How'd you get here so fast?" it asked.

"What are you blathering on about?" Rimmer asked, half paying attention. The stars were warping by as red streaks; the Doppler effect if he recalled his lessons correctly. "We're going faster that the speed of light!" The cat tried to grab his shoulders and Rimmer flailed his hands at it. "You can't touch me, you goit!"

The cat's nose wrinkled up in confusion. "But dead-dude, I just saw you down in your snoozing area, talking to a woman."

Rimmer turned to the cat, his attention focused more tightly than a laser beam. "You saw me in my quarters just now, talking to a woman, even though I've been here the whole time?"

"Might be a future echo," Holly interjected.

Rimmer spun to glare at the monitor. "What's a future echo?"

Holly's image froze for breath-stealing seconds, then he started up again. "We're going faster than light, yeah? That means, by the time we see something, we've already passed through it. Consequently, you're catching up with things you're about to do before you've actually done them. An echo from the future."

Rimmer's eyes widened at the implication. He turned back to the cat and asked, "Was it McGruder? Did she have brown hair and blue eyes?"

The cat was busy licking its sleeve clean and either didn't hear him, or was ignoring him. It didn't matter, as Rimmer raced down to his quarters, hoping to catch a glimpse of McGruder or the mystery woman.

He entered his quarters to find McGruder smiling down into a bassinet tucked in the corner.

"McGruder?" he called to her, but she didn't look up. He stepped closer. "Is that our child? Is it okay?" As he was about to peek over her shoulder into the bassinet, it and McGruder faded away. Thoroughly shaken, Rimmer had to sit down to try and return his simulated heartbeat to normal.

"Holly?" he called out. "These future echoes, they can't hear or see us, can they?"

The monitor in his quarters flickered to life and Holly shook his head. "Sorry. It's impossible to communicate with something that hasn't happened yet."

"So we can expect to see more of these echoes, then?" Rimmer asked, his eyes scanning the corridor outside his quarters.

"Until the reverse thrust takes effect and we drop below light speed," Holly confirmed. "A couple of hours, at least. Maybe a day."

Rimmer bit his lip in concentration. This gave him the ability to see into the future. He could learn if he got a body. He could learn if McGruder and the baby were okay. He could learn what kind of a parent he turned out to be.

He glanced up as he heard a high-pitched squeal coming down the corridor toward his quarters. A toddler was shrieking in delight as the cat chased him, singing, "I'm going to get you little buddy!"

Determined now to find out how far the echoes went into the future, Rimmer set about running the corridors, trying to locate more. Up near the drive room, he came across a young man talking to a version of himself, then they disappeared in the middle of the corridor.

There were other innocuous scenes that didn't mean much to him, but then Rimmer saw one that rattled him to his core. He'd been running on the officer's living quarters deck, where the rooms were spacious and luxurious compared to the cramped double bunks the technicians shared.

He heard a woman's voice panting heavily and sneaked up to the room it was emanating from. What he thought was just panting was actually, "Arn," breathed out at the end of a groan, repeating on an endless loop. He knew that voice, even if she'd never actually said his name: McGruder. He peered into the open doorway and bit his fist to keep from gasping. He and McGruder were in bed, and he was giving her one hell of a one.

It looked rough the way his future self was practically bending her in half, but by the red marks on his arm where she gripped him, she was enjoying every second of it. Her head was thrown back, his head buried in her neck. Then Rimmer saw the flash of her hand in his hair. He winced in sympathy as she tugged his head up and stuck her tongue down his throat.

She was enthusiastically vocal in her praise and encouragement, gripping his arm and hair as she climaxed in a beautiful stretch of her back, her breasts glistening with sweat. His future self finished with a gasped, "Geronimo," then bent to suck at her neck and breasts, muttering something he couldn't hear into her skin.

The image faded, leaving Rimmer a train wreck of emotion. He'd been touching her. He'd been making love to her. She'd been touching him. He had a body! A body that he was going to use to make love to Yvonne McGruder in the future! "Holly, when does that happen?" he asked, excitement and anticipation bubbling over.  
It took a long time for Holly to appear, and when he did, he was annoyed. "What do you want?"

"How far out was that future echo?" Rimmer demanded. 

The computer image started to flicker. "Now that we're slowing down from light speed, the echoes will be closer to our current time."

"How much closer?" he asked through gritted teeth. He had to know how close he was to a real body.

"I don't know," Holly snapped impatiently. "I'm not equipped to answer any questions regarding this situation. Breaking the speed of light's never been done before, now has it?"

Unable to deal with the senile computer another moment, Rimmer spun on his heel and headed back to his quarters. His thoughts circled around two things: he was going to get a body and that body was going to have sex with McGruder.

It was only a matter of time, now. He smirked as his steps lightened. Now that he knew for certain that he was going to get a body, he could start making plans for the baby. He'd have to check the ship's inventory to find out which deck stored the baby paraphernalia and get the skutters and the cat to help move it into his quarters. He needed to make sure that the nursery was stocked and ready. All of a sudden, he had a thousand things to do.

He blinked out of existence and reappeared in his quarters, facing the wall monitor. He swayed on his feet, disoriented at the abrupt change. "Holly, what the smeg?" he snarled.

Holly was fairly bouncing around the monitor, maniacal grin firmly in place and all apparent trauma of the past few hours forgotten. "We made good distance with the light speed acceleration. Almost 30 light years, I'd wager. Take a look at this." The computer's visage was replaced with a large, elegant structure floating in space.

Rimmer peered at it closely. "How close is that?"

"Well over 200,000 gee-gooks. I've detected a guidance system, so I've kept us well out of range. Wouldn't want us sucked down its gullet, eh?" Holly smirked.

"No," he replied dryly, wondering where Holly thought he was going with this. "What good does it do me, Holly? I can't get over there."

Holly was looking maniacal again. "I can transfer you to the holographic projection cage in _Starbug IV_. Then I'll pilot the ship into range of the guidance system, and the outpost should do the rest."

Rimmer pinched the bridge of his nose and counted to thirty. "And what about getting back? How will you outrun the guidance system?"

Holly looked pensive. "Haven't thought that far ahead." Then his projected head brightened considerably. "It'll come to me, I'm sure."

Before Rimmer could protest, he blinked out of existence again and reappeared in the holographic projection cage inside _Starbug_. "Holly!" he raged. "I don't want to go over there by myself! What if there are mutated, unspeakable creatures inhabiting the outpost?"

A sound that struck terror into Rimmer's very core suddenly burst into _Starbug_.

A very cheery-looking cat settled into the pilot's chair. "Hey, dead-dude! Head-dude said we're going for a ride."

Again, Rimmer wished desperately that he could bang his head on something.

A half hour later, he got his wish.

A hard light drive.

He was now a hard light hologram _and_ _he had a body_.

=-=-=-=-=

It had taken some fancy talking to get away from the being known as Legion. Arnold had used every persuasive bone in his body and when that hadn't worked, had threatened to leave the cat with Legion. After the cat had "marked" four whole floors as his territory, Legion had sent them on their way with an order never to return.

As soon as Holly piloted _Starbug_ back to _Red Dwarf_ , the cat headed for the lower decks in search of food while Arnold headed straight for the stasis booth. He hadn't been down there since before he'd died, but peered in now to see McGruder lying down on the seat, eyes closed with her hand over her abdomen.

"Open it up, Holly," he ordered as he stood nervously outside the door. His leg jiggled as the seal was released and the door hissed open.

"Is that it, Holly?" Arnold heard McGruder ask. He started wringing his hands. What was he going to say to her?

Holly's voice was cheery as he announced, "It is now safe for you to emerge from stasis."

"Safe, what do you mean, safe?" McGruder questioned as she stepped out of the stasis booth and locked gazes with Arnold. "Rimmer," she breathed, her eyes fixated on his forehead.

He rubbed at his holographic status mark self-consciously. "Hello, McGruder. I'm here to explain what's happened. To the crew, I mean. To the ship. To, smeg," he muttered and cursed his inability to speak to women without sounding like a babbling idiot. "I think we better sit down, yes? You should rest."

She regarded him with a confused frown. "I've been resting for eighteen months."

"Ah, yes." He searched the immediate area, but no suitable reply popped up. "I think you'd better be sitting for this." He reached out and touched her shoulder.

She recoiled from him, eyes wide. "You touched me!"

He snatched his hand back. "Right." He was so stupid. He'd gone on a touching spree immediately after getting the hard light body, so he was almost used to feeling normal again. He was even wearing a real uniform that Legion had provided him. "There's a lot to talk about, so if you'll just head for the medi-bay?" He held out his arm indicating she should go ahead, but refrained from touching her again.

"Where is everyone?" she asked as they wound their way through the silent ship.

"All in good time," he assured her cheerily, grimacing behind her back. He didn't want her to freak out like he had when he was first activated, so he hoped he could soften the blow for her.

When they entered the medi-bay and it was deserted, McGruder turned to him, pale and visibly shaking. "Rimmer, what's happened? Something bad's happened, hasn't it?"

"Please, sit down," he urged, fighting against the butterflies in his stomach. When she was perched uneasily in the chair, he began to pace. Where to start? "You'll notice I'm a hologram, but not your average one," he began. "We encountered a space station where the greatest scientific minds of our time had studied, and they developed a hard light drive, which made me a hard light hologram. I'm as human as I can be, only virtually indestructible. I can touch, eat and feel."

She reached out and poked at his side, her gaze wondrous. "Amazing, really," she muttered. "A solid hologram?"

"Yes." He knelt in front of her, taking her hand between his. "I've been activated for almost ten months, searching for a way to touch so I could help you." He swallowed as she paled. "Holly's told me about your condition, McGruder."

She extracted her hand from his and folded her arms across her chest. "He has, has he? And what business was it of yours?"

Shocked, he stood and blurted out, "I'm the father!"

She flushed dark red. "That's beside the point! I didn't want you to know!"

As she looked away, he felt as though an entire ship had just crash-landed on his chest. "You weren't going to tell me?" he asked faintly.

"We barely knew each other," she stated quietly. "I was planning to request a transfer when that stupid smegging cat took up residence in my quarters. The captain didn't believe I didn't know who it belonged to, and so I was sentenced to stasis. When I got out, I was going to return to Miranda and raise my son alone."

True, they'd only really had two conversations before they'd had sex, but that didn't excuse her running off with his child. "But, why?" He couldn't fathom it. Why would anyone want to undertake raising a baby on their own? He'd watched the vids, he'd read the books. It was hard enough with two or even three parents, but a single person would go mad.

She sighed and looked at him sadly. "I knew you were career-oriented. A child would only slow you down. I couldn't do that to you." She bit her lip. "I had planned to tell him about you, you know. He would have known who his father was."

"Smeg my career!" he cried, startling the both of them. "This is my son…you're…" it suddenly occurred to him she had used the male pronoun. He recalled the future echo of the young man and his future self talking. It hadn't occurred to him until just then, that he'd seen his future self talking to his son. "You're having a boy?" He could feel his face scrunch up in a stupid, goited grin.

The first trace of a smile curled her lips. "Yes, it's a boy. I found out when I had the medical." Her smile faded to a frown. "Where are the medical staff? I'd have thought they'd want to see me straight away."

Arnold's elation at finding out he was going to have a son began to fade. "Er, yes. About that…there's been an accident. The accident that killed me, also killed everyone else."

She laughed, clearly not believing him. "Everyone else? Surely there's someone left. A ship this size couldn't function without a crew."

He couldn't think what else to say. "I'm sorry," he offered, watching her expression shift from amused, scared and horrified to settle on angry.

"We're adrift in space without any crew?" she cried, her electric-blue eyes spitting fire. "How close are we to a star? Are we in danger of crashing into anything? What about the ship's computer? Holly? Holly!" she screamed to the walls as she stood and paced in a circle.

"Calm down!" he begged as he tried to get her to sit back down. "We're not in any immediate danger. Holly is piloting the ship just fine. We've already turned the ship around to head back to the Milky Way galaxy." The second the words left his mouth, he knew he'd made a mistake.

Her eyes widened and she sank into the chair, her voice faint. " _Back_ to? Where are we?"

His hands dropped to his sides as she shook off his touch. "I need you to remain calm." She looked anything but calm, but he didn't know any other way to tell her. "About three million years into deep space."

She remained silent for a stretch of time, so long in fact that Arnold began to fear for her sanity. Then, she started giggling. A tiny sound that a child might make, hidden behind her hand. The laughter bloomed into full-throated hysterics and to his dismay, she began to cry.

"No, please, anything but that," he muttered as he fretted around the medi-bay, looking for something to help. He didn't know what to do with crying females. He barely knew what to do with non-crying ones.

"Here, now, why the tears?" Holly spoke smoothly from the monitor. "It's all right, it is. I brought Arnold back to help you. You've got him, me and the cat to get you through this."

"Not _now,_ Holly," Arnold hissed at the monitor, making slashing motions across his neck to shut the computer up. The last thing McGruder needed was to hear the history of the cat people.

McGruder hiccupped and wiped her face. Her red-rimmed eyes implored Holly. "He-help me? I'm going to have a baby in the middle of deep space with only a hologram and a computer for assistance. And did you say a cat?"

"Never mind that now," Arnold said quickly, glaring indignantly at Holly. "We have more pressing matters, like checking that the baby's okay. Why don't you hop up on the biobed and I'll run an ultrasound, okay?" he asked, indicating a machine to the left of a bed.

McGruder's tears dried up and her anger returned. "You are not coming near me with any of that equipment," she warned as she rocked out of the chair and advanced on him.

He held his hands up in a placating gesture and sent her a winsome grin. He hoped it looked like the ones he'd seen Lister use to great success. "It's okay," he assured her. "I've been studying up on pregnancy and childbirth. I can help!"

"Like smeg you will!" McGruder growled right before she sent him reeling with a punch to his jaw.

He slammed into the cabinets and went crashing to the floor, groaning as bottles and assorted medical stuff fell on him. Once the crashes and tinkling of glass had stopped, he reached up to feel for lumps on his head. His hand was replaced by McGruder's as she lifted his head up and dropped it onto her lap. He winced at the jarring movement, still seeing stars dance in his vision.

"Oh, Rimmer! I'm so sorry," McGruder cried as she stroked his forehead. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"You're pregnant," Holly informed her. "It's natural to be emotional."

Arnold was still dazed, but more from staring up at McGruder's much-larger-than-he-remembered breasts. She was stretching the limits of her uniform and the middle button strained at the hole. He licked his lips and felt a rather silly grin stretch his mouth. "I'm okay," he said, though it came out more sing-songy. Maybe he wasn't well, after all.

McGruder continued to stroke his hair. "It's just – I don't know what to do, Rimmer. I had it all planned and now none of it's possible. Not Miranda, not leaving this ship, none of it."

"Hey," he patted her hand awkwardly and tilted his head back to look at her upside-down. "Nothing turned out right for me, either. I died. I never made officer. I'm a pillock. No one likes me."

She gave him a watery, upside-down smile as tears filled her eyes. "I like you, Rimmer."

"M'name's Arnold," he told her wistfully.

Her smile grew wider. "Arnold."

He tried to match her grin. "And you're Yvonne."

"Gordon Bennett," Holly sighed.

=-=-=-=-=

It turned out Arnold's new hard light body was mostly indestructible, but what Legion hadn't told him was that it still felt every iota of pain that was inflicted upon it.

"I'm supposed to be taking care of you," he whined as Yvonne picked another piece of glass out of his shoulder. He hissed and bit his tongue in an effort to keep from screaming. Picking shards of glass out of his skin _hurt_. Of course they'd hurt going _in_ when he'd smashed into the row of empty beakers.

"Shut it, you git," Yvonne murmured as she splayed her fingers and located another piece of glass. "I did this to you; I can fix you up."

He felt heat rising on his cheeks and tucked his forehead down below his folded hands. He was growing more uncomfortable by the second; each touch from Yvonne went straight to his penis trapped between the bed and his body. He bit down harder on his tongue and focused his thoughts away from sex, Yvonne's breasts as they pressed against his naked back, and the enticing scent that was probably ointment or something wafting to his nose whenever Yvonne bent down to peer closer at his skin.

A whimper escaped as she practically draped her body over his back, the tip of the tweezers digging into his skin to extract what felt like a meter-long piece of glass. The pain and pleasure mixed up a cocktail in his brain that his penis liked very much, thank you, and he felt a horrifying, satisfied pulse from his hardened cock. Positive that her next touch would set off his second wave of orgasm, he scrambled off the bed, keeping his back to her.

"That's all of it, thanks," he mumbled quickly as he made a bee-line for his quarters, trying desperately not to touch himself. He initiated the privacy lock, unfastened his pants and stroked his erection, promptly spilling over his fist with a shuddering gasp.

Legs too unsteady to hold him upright, he fell to his bunk and finished himself off, gripping the edge of the mattress as his final orgasm ripped through him, leaving him sweaty and shaking.

He groaned at the sticky mess he'd made of his hand and stomach, the pitch increasing to a whine as he pressed his still-sore shoulder into the mattress. He hoped Yvonne had gotten all of the glass out of his skin, or else he'd just ground it in permanently.

Disgust wrinkled his nose as he wiped his hand on his already ruined pants and undid the laces on his boots. Removing the last of his clothing, he hauled himself into the shower.

He did a quick wash-up and then checked his shoulder as best he could in the mirror. He had a dozen or so little red areas where the glass had cut his skin, plus two bigger gashes where the larger pieces had stuck. He ran his fingertips over his skin but didn't feel any new twinges of pain, so he figured Yvonne had gotten them all, or the water had taken care of the rest. He inspected his jaw where Yvonne's punch had landed. He thought he saw a faint trace of bruising and it was still sore as smeg. He'd have to remember to get some ice for it.

With a sigh, he walked over to his locker and pulled out another uniform. He held it in his hand and contemplated not putting it on. While it was true he didn't have many casual clothes on board, it would feel odd to be out of uniform. Deciding he needed that extra layer of emotional protection, he dressed in his uniform quickly and did up his boot laces.

A knock on the door startled him. "Arnold? Are you okay?"

Yvonne. He closed his eyes and ordered the heat on his face to retreat. He would not embarrass himself in front of the woman carrying his child. At least not right away. He quickly stuffed his ruined clothes in the laundry bin and did a quick check that everything was in order. He walked over and disengaged the privacy lock, allowing her entrance. "Yvonne," he greeted her calmly.

Her forehead wrinkled in confusion as she repeated her question. "You took off so fast, I didn't even have time to give your shirt back." She held up his hole-riddled shirt.

He tried for nonchalant, but his voice cracked a bit higher than he liked as he thanked her. "Very kind of you." He took the shirt without making contact with any part of her skin, then walked it over to the laundry bin.

"Can we talk, Arnold? I mean a proper sit-down talk." There was a film of wetness over her eyes and he felt his insides twist uncomfortably.

He couldn't say no to her. Not in her condition. "Please," he indicated the chair closest to her, while he pulled out the spare. The chair with Lister's remains stood a little away from the table, exactly where it had been when Arnold first discovered it.

She stared down at a magazine that lay on the table and fiddled with its edge. "I didn't mean to upset you. I only wanted what was best for the both of us. I could've raised our son back on Miranda without interfering with your career."

He bit his lip in consternation. His career had been dead-end before it started. It was the worst kept secret on board ship, right behind Dennis the Donut Boy a.k.a. Captain Hollister. He'd filled himself with righteous indignation at his lot in life, but the truth was, he would never have been an officer. He didn't have the stuff, not the same stuff his brothers did, anyway. "I think you know that I was never going to be an officer," he found himself admitting. "I fainted dead away at my last two astro navigation exams. The one before that I didn't get credit for showing up as I couldn’t even write my name correctly on the sign-in form." He braved reaching out and steadying her twitching fingers on the magazine. "You were going to leave because I didn't call you, is that it?"

A blush raced across her cheeks and she pulled her hand away from his.

He let out a deep-seated sigh. "I wanted to. I was going to, but I let my smegging bunkmate harangue me into making _you_ want _me_ , so I left it for you to call me." This time it was his gaze that dropped to the table. "But you never did."

A tiny, "oh," drew his gaze back to her.

Yvonne looked rueful and a bit ashamed. "I had a fainting spell after you left and I thought I'd dreamed the entire thing, fantastic as it was. The doctors told me that you had to be a hallucination and that I should wait for you to call me to confirm that it happened. When you didn't, I assumed…" her voice trailed off and she lowered her gaze back to the table.

He stared at her in shock as her words sank into his brain and rattled around for a bit.  "Aren't we a pair?" he mused as he shook his head. "Both waiting on the other to call, so we ended up two sad, lonely gits." He inhaled sharply as he felt her touch on his forehead.

"And you ended up dead," she stated quietly. She locked gazes with him, her computer-blue eyes snapping with renewed life and vigor.

His heart thudded loudly in his chest as she leaned closer, her lips brushing his shyly. "I really do like you," she admitted.

"And I really like you," he echoed, reaching up to touch her cheek with his fingertips. He felt his face split into a cheeky grin. "Fantastic, eh?"


	3. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rating R for this chapter for sexual situations, sex while pregnant and a mild description of a birth. Being a walking sex aid wasn't such a bad thing for Arnold to become, but nothing ever good happens to Arnie J. without some bad poking its head up.

Their relationship continued the strange and weird path it was on from their first meeting in the lift when Yvonne was recovering from her concussion. After his bad attempt at humor, they fell into a shy, old-fashionedesque courtship. She slept in her quarters, but Arnold greeted her nearly every day at her door, asking after her breakfast request.

She argued with him about equality in the workplace and not subjugating the female half of the species, but he waved off her nonsense. She was pregnant, that preceded any silly notions she had. She swiftly corrected his assumption by threatening to castrate him with her bare hands if he ever dared treat her with kid gloves again.

Her point well made, Arnold took to bringing his own breakfast to her quarters to share the meal. It gave ample opportunity to catch Yvonne up on what had happened while she was in stasis. Holly joined them for the first few weeks, usually speaking more than either of them since he'd been on for the three million year duration. When Holly got to explaining about the cat and his people, Arnold let him enthuse to his processor's content.

It had taken a lot of effort to get the cat anywhere near Yvonne, as he'd reacted badly to her presence. It hadn't made sense at first, as the cat had done nothing but go on about lady cats and having sex with them since the day Arnold had met him, but Holly figured out what was going on.

Cats were very set in their ways and Yvonne's sudden appearance on the ship disrupted the cat's routine. Also, according to the cat, Arnold had "claimed" her and anything around her as his "territory," which meant the cat wasn't welcome. Arnold and Holly had tried to explain it wasn't that way with humans, but the cat wasn't having any of it.

Truth be told, Arnold didn't mind the feline keeping to himself. He was an odd creature, incredibly vain and self-centered, with a fashion sense that would shame the best clothiers on Earth or Mars. The cat staying away gave Arnold more time to chat up Yvonne. 

He recommended some vids and books on pregnancy and childbirth for her to look over, and occasionally joined her in the library. He sometimes sat beside her when she was watching a vid, staring at her profile. She'd taken to pulling her brown hair into a ponytail at the top of her head, not trusting him to cut her hair evenly. She was probably right in that regard, but he thought her hair done up suited her. As he studied her, he jumped as he felt her hand on his thigh, though she didn't look at him. As her hand warmed against his holographic body, a strange, new sensation curled low in his gut. It felt good, welcomed even, so he smiled shyly, watching as her lips curled upward in answer.

The next time he found her watching a vid, he slipped his hand beneath hers and closed his fingers around hers, effectively holding her hand. She kept her eyes on the vid but smiled and squeezed his hand, which triggered a delightful warmth in his belly.

His stomach started doing loop-de-loops whenever he saw her, and her smiles sent his head spinning. He wasn’t sure what was affecting him, but he was growing to like it. They started going on proper dates, taking a walk up to the observation dome or watching a film. He disliked mushy romances and she disliked comedies, but they compromised with war documentaries and horror series. They attempted to dance once. Neither had any rhythm so they ended up drinking at Parrot's Bar, where Arnold proved beyond a doubt that he was a cheap date. Half a drink in and he was snoring on the table. Yvonne had dragged him back to her room and dumped him on the bed, snuggling next to him. That had been a pleasant morning, despite his hangover.

She eventually trusted him with the biobed scanners, but only after he proved he knew what he was doing with the cat. It had taken heaps of tinned tuna and a crate of Krispies to bribe the cat to one demonstration on the biobed, but it satisfied Yvonne that Arnold knew what he was doing. Her first exam showed her a bit low on a range of vitamins, so he gave her a general booster. She upped her daily intake of prenatal power juice and that seemed to do the trick. She was strong and healthy, and so was their son.

It wasn't until the speakers broadcast their baby's heartbeat, did the reality of the situation hit Arnold: there was going to be a new life on board in a few short months. It was the most amazing sound ever heard, more beautiful than a Bach symphony. He saw through his blurry, teary gaze that Yvonne was crying, too, and they clasped hands. Arnold continued his downward movement, not stopping until his lips pressed against Yvonne's in a tender, reverent kiss. "You're amazing," he whispered as he blinked back tears.

She laughed through her tears, cupping his face in her hand. "So are you, Arnie."

It was the first use of a nickname by either of them, and another warm, confusing feeling filled Arnold from head to toe. He felt as though he could climb a mountain or tear it down by hand. He felt like shouting from the highest point on the ship, but at the same time, he wanted to protect Yvonne from any and all dangers. Whatever this feeling was, it was so big he felt full to bursting, and he couldn't stop smiling.

On the days Yvonne wasn't in her quarters for their shared breakfast, Arnold would find her in the gym. He watched her pound the heavy bag with slight winces, then marveled as she kept the speed bag going for minutes on end. She'd taught him the names of the equipment on his third day down there, either not noticing his embarrassment at having to be told boxing equipment names by a woman, or she found it endearing. He opted more toward the latter as the days stretched into weeks, and she would flash him a smile when she noticed him in the doorway or sitting by the door, watching her.

She was beautiful, even with her belly protruding from her sweat pants and sweat matting her hair to her head.

"Smegging hell, that _hurt_!" she suddenly cried as she put a protective arm across her chest.

Arnold was by her side in a flash, visually checking for blood. "Are you okay? Is it the baby?"

She was panting, her face flushed red and sweat dripping into her eyes. She kept her arm across her upper chest and he could see the echo of pain reflected in her eyes. "I'm fine. I just," she waved at the bag, "and I," she waved at her chest and shrugged. "I hit my boob," she finally stated dryly.

He stared down at her sweat-stained shirt, seeing the black sport bra underneath and swallowed. If he could measure them, he'd swear her breasts were growing bigger every day. "I see," he strangled out through a thick throat. Other parts of him were growing thicker as well, so he hastily retreated to the other side of the gym and resumed his seat. Casually, he crossed his legs and arms. When he looked up, he could see the slight smirk on Yvonne's face even from the distance. He scowled at her. "It's your breasts' fault," he informed her. "If they weren't so damn impressive, I wouldn't be in this state."

She danced a bit on her feet, sending her breasts jiggling the slightest bit, which his eyes tracked like a hawk. "They wouldn't be so damn impressive if I wasn't carrying your love child." She jerked her chin and winked at him. "Come back here."

He shook his head and tightened his arms. He was in no state to walk, especially not to get closer to her.

"I won't bite," she promised him, "Unless you're a very good boy," she amended with a saucy wink and a lick of her lips.

Shining stars above, she was trying to seduce him! He squeezed his legs together until he squashed his erection, whimpering more from the ideas she was putting in his head than the pain he was causing himself. "You're going to kill me," he called over to her, his voice and pants strained.

"You're already dead," she shot back as she walked closer to him. "Not that it's stopped you." She stood before him and raised her right hand to her mouth, finding the lace of the glove with her tongue and teeth. He whimpered as she pulled the glove down to release the knot, then tucked the glove under her opposite arm to pull it off her hand. She made quick work of the other lace, then raised her eyebrows as she dropped the remaining glove onto the floor.

He swallowed again, heart racing in his chest as she leaned closer to him. His eyes locked on her chest, where her breasts were moving up and down with her heavy breathing. "Arnie," she murmured, tracing a finger along his tightly clenched arm. "Did all those books and vids ever tell you about the second trimester of pregnancy?"

He slowly shook his head, afraid drool may be sliding out of his open mouth. He felt stupid, like every brain cell had gone on holiday and left an empty shell that was now staring at Yvonne's mouth, which was moving closer to his own. He licked his lips in anticipation.

"In her second trimester, the woman will get her libido back, much to the delight of her partner." Her hand was now playing with his hair, twisting little curls out of their tight confinement of gel. He reached out – when had he unfolded his arms? – and grasped her gently around the waist, guiding her between his splayed legs – when had he uncrossed his legs? He stared up at her pixie face, her rosy cheeks, her hair coming out of its holder in sweaty strings, and thought her the most beautiful woman in the universe.

Her belly nudged at his chest and on impulse, he bent his head and kissed it, pushing down the elastic band on her sweatpants to expose more of her skin. She tightened her grip on his hair as he licked her skin, lapping up the salty sweat. "Gorgeous," he muttered. His hands slipped around her waist to run up her back, bringing her in closer. She moved until she could cradle his head beneath her breasts, and he groaned. He pushed her shirt up out of his way, mouthing up her stomach, cursing when he reached the edge of her bra.

He growled as she released his head, but grunted his approval as she tore her shirt over her head. Barely keeping himself together, lest he throw her to the mat and fuck her senseless, he placed a chaste kiss to the tip of one breast, then the other. She hissed and he pulled back. "Too sensitive?" he asked, stunned to hear how ragged his voice sounded.

She nodded and licked her lips. "But the rest of me isn't," she said as she straddled his thighs and latched her mouth onto his.

Even as clothing disappeared and more flesh appeared, a voice at the back of his head censured Arnold for turning into a slut. What would the Love Celibacy Society say to him having sex three times in six months? Okay, for two of those times a woman hadn't physically been involved, but he'd given over to his body's demands instead of controlling his urges with his intellect.

Yvonne scattered his thoughts when her teeth closed on his earlobe and her hand wrapped around his erection. He arched up to her touch with a groan, but she wouldn't let him get his hands on her like he wanted. She seemed perfectly happy shifting him exactly where she wanted him on the mat, and he found himself perfectly happy to let her. Especially when she held his wrists to the mat as she ground herself down on his cock. He was very happy indeed as he hit the second wave of his orgasm with a whimper.

The Love Celibacy Society could smeg off.

=-=-=-=

Arnold spent the next few weeks walking around filled with anticipation and a partial erection. There were days when Yvonne couldn't stand his touch, but on good days, she'd slam him against the nearest vertical surface and use him as her personal sex aid. He never knew which would be a good day, so it made life interesting.

In truth, he didn't mind. Smeg, of course he didn't mind; he was having sex about five times a week! If only his brothers could see him now. If only Lister could see him now; that would show the git that he wasn't some loser who had to get a girl concussed before she'd sleep with him.

He shouldn't think things like that, but his brain loved to dwell on his old doubts and fears. Was Yvonne's interest in him nothing but her hormones in hyperdrive? How could he be sure she'd liked _him_ when she'd slept with him back when he was alive? After all, she hadn't called him, "Arnie," or, "Rimmer," then; she'd called him, "Norman."

 _No_ , he told himself. He recalled the future echo he'd seen of the two of them having sex, and her glorious, constant chant of his name. That was the future; it _was_ going to happen. He'd seen it happen already and it was just a matter of time until it happened again for the first time.

He shook his head with a slight smile. He was being paranoid. Things never went well for him, so he was looking for the bad to come and muck up the good. Granted, being dead wasn't all that great, but he'd found a way to touch; he'd gotten a hard light body. Yvonne and the baby were healthy. He needed to quit looking for bad things to happen and concentrate on the good that actually was happening.

Holly's face appeared on a wall monitor just ahead of him. "Post pod's arrived."

A shiver of dread raced down Arnold's spine, but he tried to ignore it. "What, the mail?" He barely paused as he spun round and headed to the lift. He figured to get Yvonne before seeing what the pod brought. "How long ago was it sent to reach us here?"

Holly projected himself onto the lift monitor. "More than likely it's been tracking us since we left Earth. We won't know when it was posted until the skutters bring it to the mail room."

"Have you let Yvonne know?" Arnold asked.

"Yeah. She's on her way to the mail room."

Arnold resisted the urge to sigh and redirected the lift to the mail room. When he arrived, Yvonne was staring at the heap of mail covering three tables and most of the floor.

"I never realized how much mail was received by the crew," she said, her voice small.

Arnold felt a wave of nausea and dread twist his stomach. It was daunting, seeing the piles of letters and personal packages that the crew received on a semi-regular basis. All of it was theirs, now. "I suppose we can open it," he ventured, sending Yvonne a half-shrug. "If there's anything useful, we should use it. They'd have wanted it that way."

Yvonne shot him a scandalized, scathing look. "How can you know that? Some of these are private letters from loved ones."

"They're not likely to object, now are they?" he snapped, not knowing why he was in such a foul mood all of a sudden. At Yvonne's horrified look, he softened his tone. "It's not like the letters will do us any good, but what about the packages and vids? What if there's some new news on medical breakthroughs or hologram improvements? It'd be worth knowing, don't you think?"

He sensed her acceptance as she gazed across the sea of paper. "I suppose you're right. It's just…it's bad enough I have to loot through coworker's clothing to find stuff that fits. Now I might learn private things about them that no one should have known. I don't like it."

Now Arnold realized where his dread came from. "I suppose it's like going through a dead person's things. Someone is always left to do it, and it's down to us, now. We just have to go through a lot more than one dead person's things."

Yvonne took a hesitant step toward him, and sensing her unease, he walked over and took her up in a hug. It was difficult to get his arms around her as she was nearly at 32 weeks, plus he didn't want to squish the baby. "I'll find things for Lister, I'm sure. He was always sending off for the latest talking invention and entering sweepstakes. Who knows; maybe he won."

He heard her sniffling laugh and let her step back, keeping his hands on her shoulders. "That won't be so bad, hearing some good news, will it? Come on. Let's start to sort this mess into some kind of order."

Arnold asked the skutters to bring a cart, and he and Yvonne put anything that looked promising onto it to take back to his quarters later. Most of the letters they tossed aside, not wanting to read private thoughts unless they both thought it was necessary.

Yvonne held out an envelope to him, eyebrow quirked. "Rear Admiral Lieutenant General Rimmer?"

He flushed. "My mother. Every time I took an exam I told her I passed.  It's just embarrassing now. I should be Commander in Chief of the whole universe."

"Oh, Arnie," Yvonne said with a sympathetic smile as she waved the letter at him. "Let's see what she has to say."

He held the envelope addressed to a lie and felt his insides quake again. "I don't think I want to."

She asked quietly, "What are you afraid it says?"

He shrugged. "I don’t know; I just get a bad feeling holding this." He tossed it onto the cart. "I'll open it later. Let's keep sorting."

Arnold came across two dozen packages and letters for Lister, which he dutifully piled on the cart. They found some news vids and a host of magazines that could prove useful.

Next time he looked up, tears tracked down Yvonne's face as she held an envelope. "Evie?" he called, turning her hand so he could see the return address. It was Miranda Colony, Uranus.

Yvonne gulped and said, "I wrote to mum to tell her I'd be home soon. I didn't tell her why. She must have been so worried about me."

He gently took the letter out of her hand and pulled her into a hug. "Come on, I think we've done enough sorting for today. Let's go back to your quarters and we can read them there, yes?"

He felt her nod, and keeping his arm around her, they followed the skutters pushing the cart back to Yvonne's quarters.

Yvonne's letter burned in Arnold's hand. It had been three million years; what on Io would the letter say? Had Earth and its colonies learned of _Red Dwarf's_ radioactive disaster? Had they all been declared dead? It wasn't something he'd thought about, because it didn't matter what his parents were told; they'd hate him regardless. He could have died saving the ship, and they'd still think he was a failure. Even his lies of promotions up the career ladder hadn't impressed his mother, who still signed all her letters to him, "Mrs. Rimmer." That wave of dread came over him again, reminding him that he had his own letter to deal with.

He settled Yvonne on her bunk and retrieved his letter from the cart, settling next to her. "How do you want to do this? Should I open yours and you open mine? That way, we'll have a buffer before we know the contents." Sensing her hesitation, he added, "Of course, if there's something in there you don't want me to know, I won’t read it." He held out her letter, offering her to take it.

Her hand hovered indecisively for a moment, then she snatched the letter, tore it open and caught a key card that fell out. She quickly scanned the letter, Arnold watching her expressions carefully. He didn't know what he'd do if she suddenly broke down if it was bad news, but he wanted to be there for her regardless.

Seeing her teary smile relaxed him somewhat. "She writes that she's disappointed I'd leave the Space Corps, but delighted that I'd be coming home. She stored all my things in a storage locker; she enclosed the key." She smiled up at Arnold. "She was even making inquiries about job postings on Oberon and Ariel for me."

Seeing her happiness gave him the strength to slit open his envelope and unfold the letter. His mother's familiar handwriting shouted out at him, accusing him across the light years and thousands of millennia, and he let the letter flutter to the floor, the words seared into his brain.

"Arnie? Arnie, what's wrong?" Yvonne shook him out of his stupor and he turned his gaze to her, not really seeing her.

"My father's dead. Mummy said I killed him." He blinked and watched as Yvonne picked up the letter and scanned it quickly. He saw the horror, anger and disgust flit across her features and felt ashamed.

"Your mother," Yvonne seethed, "Is a terrible person. How dare she!"

"She had every right," Arnold replied with the flat, dull tone he used whenever he was forced to recite for his parents. "You see, I divorced them at age 14 and that was disgrace enough. Then I enrolled in the Space Corps as a technician instead of passing the entrance exam, and that furthered their disgrace. Mummy blamed me for my father's other two heart attacks, and now the stroke that finally killed him."

He could feel Yvonne's tender gaze on him and it turned his stomach. He didn't deserve her sympathy. "But your mother writes that she had an investigation done to prove you were lying about passing your exams. What kind of person would do that to her own son?"

He nodded toward the letter. "Did you read the third paragraph? She's taking me to court for willful deception, disorderly conduct, impersonating an officer, slander, defamation of character and theft."

"She _what_?" Yvonne cried and set to rereading the letter, her face getting redder with each line.

He twisted his hands in his lap as realized she would discover his secret if she continued reading. He needed to tell her, himself, so he reached out and covered the letter, pushing it away until Evie looked at him. "With my brothers Frank, John and Howard dead, father would have looked to me to carry out the Rimmer tradition of Space Corps hero, only…he wasn't really my father," Arnold admitted aloud for the first time in his life. His stomach plunged to his feet at seeing Yvonne's shocked expression and he dropped his gaze back to his nervous fingers.

"Mummy had affairs with a lot of men, mostly officers on leave, but a few neighbors on Io as well. My best guess to my birth father was Latimus Brown, our neighbor from down the street. We have the same hair and handwriting. He was also an artist of a sort, designing personal aircraft." He shook his head. "My brothers were strapping, handsome, courageous, intelligent hero-types, and I was a skinny, spindly dreamer who couldn't even stand up to the kid that the bullies bullied. I don't know how Father could have overlooked the differences in his sons."

His breath hitched in his chest as he recalled the truly damning part of the letter. "I guess he wasn't as blind as all that, as Mummy said that Father was writing her out of his will, leaving everything to me, his only surviving son. Mummy was furious; she thought I'd written and told Father everything." He gave a half-choked laugh. "Like I would ever have the spine to actually stand up to Mummy, even with empty space as a buffer."

He'd all but forgotten Yvonne next to him, so caught up in the revelations from the letter. "Mummy would have done anything to keep father's money for herself, so she hired an investigator and showed father the proof that I was a liar; that I wasn't the Space Corps success I'd claimed. When even that didn't change his mind, she dropped the bombshell that I wasn't his son. His true sons had died and I was a worthless bastard unfit for the name Rimmer. The shock resulted in the stroke that killed him." He took a breath to steady himself. "Father never got around to changing his will. Mummy inherited everything; the house, the business and his money. But she was ruined anyway, as the scandal of her exploits made the news on Io, Europa, Titan and Ganymede, eventually disgracing top Space Corps officers. Her name was dragged through the mud, same as theirs, only they had more money and clout, so everything fell on her. I destroyed her."

Yvonne was quiet and he feared the worst, but then her gentle, confused voice cried, "How can your mother blame you for the mess she created? She's the one who had the affairs and lied about it. How can you say you destroyed her; she destroyed herself. You lied to keep up appearances for their sake and she uncovered it and threw it in your father's face. None of this is your fault!" She suddenly exploded, "She's a smegging, goited, puss-filled boil on the anus of humanity!"

He felt tears well in his eyes as he regarded her. "I'm a failure to them, Evie. I always have been and I always will be." His tears fell as he choked out, "I was Mummy's mistake and she'll never let me forget it, not even after her death."

He was pulled into a breath-stealing hug where he would deny crying on Yvonne's shoulder if ever he was asked. He felt too small for his own body, like the small, frightened boy who would cower whenever his brothers came home, the starving boy who learned to pick the lock on his room door so he could sneak down to the kitchen for something to eat, and the abandoned boy who was always left behind on family holidays.

He finally registered that Yvonne was talking to him in a soft voice, and began listening to the words:

"…your mother is a hateful, spiteful woman. No mother should ever place blame like that on a child. It’s not right. I don't care if you were three years old or 300, you don't do that to your child. You're meant to love your child with no restrictions or caveats. It's called unconditional love because that's what it _is_. I'll never treat our son like that, never, you have my promise. I could never hurt you like your mother did; I love you too much."

A silence fell between them as Yvonne's final words hung in the air. She loved him. Someone admitted to loving Arnold J. Rimmer and that someone was smart, funny, gorgeous and strong. Those feelings he'd felt every time he looked at Yvonne, the twisty, happy, shouty feelings, all burst through him and he recognized them now for what they were. They were the feelings of love. He loved her. He pulled back and stared into her scared, brave face and kissed her with trembling lips.

He nearly choked on the words that he'd never uttered before: "I love you." As Yvonne's eyes widened in happy realization, laughter bubbled up in his chest and he repeated, "I love you. I love you, Yvonne McGruder, I love you!" She laughed too, and they fell to the bed, laughing and kissing and muttering, "I love you," to each other, Arnold's hateful letter falling beneath the bed to be lost forever.

=-=-=-=-=

Arnold was in full-blown panic mode as Evie hit 38 weeks of pregnancy. She was swollen, irritable, argumentative, pushy, demanding…and he secretly loved every second of it. He fetched her snacks in between setting up the baby's things in his quarters. While they had officially moved into an officer's quarters two decks up, Arnold felt it would be better for Evie and the baby to be right next to the lift, just in case of any emergencies. Since he didn't need to sleep, he could watch the baby until he needed feeding, then wake Evie up. It was a good plan if he said so himself.

He occasionally found the cat sniffing the air in the hallway, but when he tried to talk to it, the cat would hiss and disappear. He felt bad that the cat didn't feel welcome, but he couldn't worry about the feline, not with a human baby – his son – on the way.

He'd enlisted the help of the skutters to transport baby clothes, nappies, bottles, formula, dummys, blankets, burp cloths, toys, changing table, dresser, crib, bassinet and whatever else was listed under "baby" in the ship's stores. He set up the permanent furniture in their new quarters, but kept the bassinet and newborn items in his old quarters, where he'd seen Evie in the future echo.

When he next went into their quarters, Evie was folding clothes and putting them in the dresser. "I thought I'd done that," he stated, rather confused. He was positive he'd put everything away carefully, assigned by size, color and drawer.

"You did," Evie confirmed while continuing to undo his orderly system. "I just needed something to do." She continued to fold and refold things, rearranged their personal items, he even found her wiping down the exposed metal of the walls with a polishing liquid one day. Something niggled at the back of his mind, some warning that had been in one of the hundreds of books he'd read, about women 'nesting' right before giving birth. Smeg!

"Evie, sweetheart," he cooed, "Do you want to come with me down to the medi-bay? I think you're due for another checkup."

She waved him away while shifting on the bed, a flash of pain crossing her features. "We just did one last week. Nothing's changed; still at seven centimeters, still tender. Nothing's going to –" her expression froze and she clutched at her stomach. She gasped and he ran to her side, helping her sit up. He swallowed thickly – her water had broken. She looked up at him, eyes wide with fear and pain. "Arn," she gasped and gripped his hand. "I'm not ready yet."

"You better be, because our son is," he remarked through gritted teeth. They'd practiced some Lamaze techniques, and Evie's grip was even stronger now that she was in real pain. He was lucky he was nearly indestructible, because he had a very bad feeling that his hand and potentially other body parts were about to undergo some serious strength tests.

He helped her into the wheelchair she'd berated him for securing in their quarters and whisked her down to the birthing area of the medi-bay. "Holly, run program YM2!" he yelled as he helped her out of her regular clothes and onto the birthing table. The room instantly transformed into the soothing, peaceful scenery that Evie had chosen for her birthing scenario, however, the peaceful sounds were soon drown out by her screams.

Arnold felt helpless as her body forced out an object far larger than the hole it was coming out of. He offered verbal encouragement and when that no longer worked, he offered his body as she dug her fingers into his arm, clutched at his shoulder and crushed his fingers.

When the biobed finally registered the head crowning, he extracted her claw-like hand from his arm and positioned himself to catch his son. "Come on, sweetheart, he's almost here!" he shouted over her scream as she raised herself up and pushed. His squeamishness mixed with awe as the head squeezed through, and he helped angle the shoulders correctly and there he was; his son in his hands.

Two seconds later, the shattering cry of a new life into the harsh, cold world mixed with the panting gasps of his mother as she begged, "Let me see. Is he okay?"

Arnold was terrified to take one step with his newborn son, so instead he leaned up as carefully as he could and placed their son on Evie's stomach. "He's fine," he rasped out, as he took in the sight of mother and son meeting officially for the first time. He felt like an intruder on a private moment, so with joyous tears in his eyes, he quickly washed his hands in the antiseptic water next to the bed. His mind filled with the dozens of things to do; the baby needed to be properly cleaned and checked over, the umbilical cord needed to be cut, and Evie wasn't quite done with her part yet, either.

"Oh, you poor thing," Evie cooed as their son wailed his displeasure and trembled with cold.

Arnold grabbed a towel, the scissors and clamps and held them out. "Here, you should…" he indicated the baby, hoping Evie understood. She smiled and shook her head. "You do it."

She stroked the baby's head while Arnold clamped and cut the cord as precisely as the vids had shown. He made sure the scissors were safely on the table before reaching out once again with the towel. Evie gently placed their son in his hands and Arnold took to washing him, replaying the vids in his head on how to clear his nose and ears, how to gently wash the eyes and how to wrap him up snugly. He kissed his son's forehead before placing a small blue cap on the mostly bald head and returned him to his mother's arms, where Evie tucked him to her breast and taught him how to eat.

Arnold's night was far from over, as he helped Evie through the last of her labor, cleaned her up and massaged her abdomen as mother and baby slept. As he regarded them both, his gaze full of wonder and awe, it occurred to him that they'd never discussed a name for their son.

He sat up the entire night, pondering that question in between his son waking with the demand for more food. Poor Evie looked like she lost the boxing match, the battle and the entire war, but the smile never fully left her face.

Holly came online during the night, grinning. "Nice one, Arnold," he whispered and popped a cigar into Arnold's hand. This time, Arnold grinned back and tucked the cigar into his pocket. "Thanks, Hol. For everything."

Holly shrugged. "Knew you could do it, pop. I've got a seventh sense about these things."

Arnold shook his head with a bemused grin and let that one go.

Around 6am ship's time, Arnold jumped as he saw movement in the doorway; it was the cat. "Hey," he called quietly. "I thought you wouldn't come near my territory," he remarked as gently as he could.

"That's only until the litter is born," the cat answered quietly as it slunk in, wrinkling its nose at the baby. "Where's the rest of them?" it hissed as it looked around.

Well, Arnold learned something new about the cat race every time the cat came around. He explained quietly, "He's it. Normally, humans give birth to just one baby at a time, though sometimes there are two or even three."

The cat shook its head. "Man, all that squealing for just one baby? I hope it was worth it."

Arnold's smile felt like it would split his face. "It was to me. I can't speak for her, though."

Evie muttered, "S'worth it," and Arnold had to bite his lip to keep from laughing.

He regarded the cat thoughtfully. If he was contemplating a name for his son, he should think about naming the cat. After all, didn't people name their pets? "What should I be calling you?" he asked the cat. "Do you have a name?"

The cat sniffed and adjusted his jacket. "Reginald Bartholomew Gangsley Hyperion Frederick Maldrick Thurston the Third, but if that's too much for your monkey brain to remember, you can call me Cat."

Arnold kept his lower lip in his mouth so he didn't accidentally smile or burst into laughter. "I'll stick to Cat, thanks."

Cat nudged his head toward the sleeping baby. "What's the little dude's name?"

"We haven't named him yet," Arnold admitted.

"Michael," Evie's voice interjected as she shot him a pleading look. "I'd like to name him Michael, after my father. It's an old superstition in my family not to discuss names until after the baby is born. I didn't even think to tell you, Arnie. I'm sorry."

"No, no, it's okay," he assured her with a gentle smile. "I didn't even realize it until he was in my arms. I've spent the past few hours wondering what his name would be. Michael is a fine name."

Evie stroked Michael's cheek with her finger. "Welcome to the universe, Michael Rimmer."

Arnold felt his entire body go numb with shock. "You're naming him Rimmer?"

She shrugged tiredly. "You're the father, aren't you?"

He made a quick decision, but one that felt right in his gut. "I'd rather he took your name. The name Rimmer has been nothing but terrible for me; I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Michael McGruder has a better ring to it, don't you think?"

She eyed him for a moment, but he was resolute. He didn't want his name to go on beyond him. If he was the last Rimmer alive, he wanted the name to die with him. "Okay, a compromise. Michael Arnold McGruder."

He mused on that a moment. His first name never bothered him; it was the last name that haunted him even in death. Yes, he liked it and he slowly nodded. "Nice to finally meet you, Michael Arnold McGruder," he whispered as he, too, stroked his fingertip over the baby's cheek. 


	4. Nirvana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arnold's adjusting to life with Yvonne and the baby, but learn they aren't the only beings left in the universe. However, Arnold is reminded that he may be unique. Rating PG for language.

One thing that Arnold was good at that no one knew he could do, was sing. As Evie drifted back to sleep after the latest feeding, Arnold tucked Michael up against his chest and walked through the corridors, singing softly to quiet him. The baby had ended up being a bit colicky so was an extremely fussy sleeper, and only Arnold's voice seemed to soothe him enough to fall back asleep. Arnold's nights were long and his days longer, but he'd never felt so needed, so much a part of a family.

Cat usually joined him in his nightly strolls, checking up on the little dude and wondered at his slow growth.

"Are you sure he's healthy?" Cat asked for the third night in a row. "It's been months and I don't see a change!"

Arnold blinked in surprise. He noticed the changes in Michael ever since they left the medi-bay and moved into Arnold's old quarters. He saw Michael's eyes open, saw him smile, saw him recognize his mum and dad, saw his head change shape and his little fingernails grow. He felt how much weight Michael had put on in the five months since he'd been born, and marveled at the fussy, demanding person that had become the center of his life. As if sensing thoughts about him, Michael beat his tiny fists on his father's chest and let out a wail. Arnold patted his back and began singing again, swaying gently as he walked down the hallway. "You may not see it, but I do," he sang in answer to Cat's question. "He's changing every day."

"He's still a tiny person who can't walk," the Cat sang back.

"He won't walk for another six months or so," Arnold sang, "He's got to learn to roll over, sit up, crawl and then walk."

Cat eyed him like he was crazy and sang, "What is he, a pet or a human?"

Arnold choked on his laughter, disrupting his smooth singing, "Human babies take time to develop. We'll have to teach him to talk and then to read and write…" The enormity of raising a child in the middle of deep space without another soul around suddenly hit Arnold low in the gut. "Take him," he gasped as he thrust Michael out toward Cat. Cat hadn't actually held the baby before, but he took the child smoothly as Arnold bent over and hyperventilated.

"Are you going to be okay or should I get Evie?" he heard Cat ask him through the rushing of blood in his ears. He shook his head; Evie didn't need to know how terrified he'd just made himself.

"I'm okay," he said as he righted himself.

Cat wrinkled his nose. "You don't look okay. You're all pasty and you smell funny."

"That would be flop sweat," Arnold mused grimly as he wiped his forehead. He held out his arms and Cat handed Michael back. "Thanks," he muttered. "And don't tell Evie about this. I'll get myself together."

Cat looked skeptical, but said, "If you say so, Arnold."

Michael slept on, oblivious to his father's panic attack, and Arnold returned to his quarters and set the baby in his bassinet. Arnold thought a long time about what could be done about being three million years – minus 30 light years – into deep space. What if the human race had expanded beyond the Milky Way galaxy? What if there were colonized worlds nearby, but they weren't looking for them?

Holly had spotted derelicts floating in space or crashed on moons and planetoids, but neither Arnold nor Evie thought it was worth it to go explore them. They had everything they needed on _Red Dwarf._ Maybe Arnold should have been more daring; maybe he should have explored a bit more, tried to find out what had happened to the human race. Look what happened to the domestic cat in three million years. What accomplishments could the human race have achieved in the same amount of time?

As it turned out, the human race continued their stupidity and created beings that were intent on wiping out their creators, and if that weren't enough, blew up their own sun two million years ago. Smegging Earthers, always with their superior attitude of "can do no wrong." They'd sent out massive, interstellar ships filled with stasis booths of inhabitants of _only_ Earth and Mars who had their ageing gene removed. The colonies fought and lost the right to be on those ships from Earth, so built their own and bundled everyone from Mercury to Pluto into those and headed for Rigel, the closest star with habitable planet potential.

All this information came about in another post pod that caught up to them right after Michael had learned to walk. When Evie saw that the _Red Dwarf_ black box had crashed into Earth's Pacific Ocean a year after the accident, she began to cry. It had taken Arnold ten minutes to work out that her parents were told Evie had died along with everyone else on board.

Holly was inconsolable as well. "I'm sorry," the computer repeated. "It was protocol. I had to let home base know what happened to the ship. There wasn't time to add a note about people in stasis. I didn't want them sending out a rescue ship when the radiation would have killed anyone within three hundred thousand gee-gooks."

"I'm not blaming you, Hol," Arnold assured the computer, cradling Evie to him as she mourned her parents all over again.

There had been a monument built in memory of the crew of _Red Dwarf_ , which had burned up along with all of the planets about two million years ago. The vid of it seemed nice, anyway.

Arnold experienced déjà vu as he heard Michael shrieking in delight as Cat chased him down the corridor, singing, "I'm going to get you little buddy!"

One of the future echoes. He smiled and gently shook Evie. "Hey. Hey, it's going to be all right. Did I tell you that I saw Michael as a young man in one of those future echoes? That little boy you just heard running down the corridor is going to be a handsome man of 18 before you know it. We're here for him. That's what matters."

"You've been terrific, Arn," Evie murmured as she kissed him. "I don't know that I tell you that often enough, but you've been amazing with me and Michael. I don’t see any Rimmer family resemblance at all." Her eyes twinkled at him.

"I – I think that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me," he replied, astonished that it was true. He was nothing like his family. He beamed and leaned forward to kiss her.

Evie's face dissolved behind the most beautiful visage he'd ever seen. It filled him with rapture just gazing upon it and he was compelled to join with it, to become one with it.

"Arnie!" he heard Evie's fading scream as he felt himself evaporate into nothingness and materialized on an unfamiliar ship.

He blinked at his opulent surroundings, hurrying over to the windows to see _Red Dwarf_ in the far distance. Holly hadn't warned them about any ships in the vicinity. "What the smeg?" he muttered. He whirled as he heard someone walking into the room. "What's the meaning of this?" he growled to the redhead woman walking in the door.

The woman paused with her arm extended as if to shake his hand. "I hope we didn't startle you. Commander Nirvanah Crane of _The Enlightenment_."

"Are you human?" he asked nervously. He didn't know what Gelfs or simulants looked like, but he somehow doubted they would look as good as the Commander. Of course, what did he know? Humans hadn't developed transfer devices that shifted people from ship to ship three million years ago, either.

Crane laughed brightly. "Not for a very long time. This entire ship, its crew and everything on it, is computer-generated. We are holograms of the best the Space Corps ever produced."

A holographic ship and crew? That would explain the odd "H" on her forehead. He tentatively reached out and shook her hand. "Arnold Rimmer of the regular mining ship _Red Dwarf_. Why have you brought me here?" he asked.

The commander tilted her head toward the door. "Mr. Rimmer, if you'll accompany me to the bridge, the captain wishes to speak with you."

In another life, those words would have sent Arnold into orbit. Now, he got a sinking feeling that not all was as it seemed. Why would the captain need to see him? Why take him from _Red Dwarf_ at all, when they could have contacted the ship and asked for anything they wanted? No, something was definitely not right. He followed Crane through the ship, worry gnawing at his gut. He had no secrets to offer. If they needed supplies, he'd give them whatever they wanted as long as they left his family alone.

He came up short as Crane stopped just inside the doorway to the bridge and gave what he assumed was a salute.

"Captain, Mr. Rimmer from the mining ship _Red Dwarf_."

The man who Arnold assumed was the captain returned the salute and addressed him. "Mr. Rimmer. Captain Hercule Platini, IQ 212."

"Captain," Arnold interrupted him with only a hint of a tremble to his voice, "May I ask why you've brought me here? If one didn't know better, one could infer that one has been kidnapped from one's ship and one wishes to be returned to one's ship immediately."

The captain chuckled and said with smug arrogance, "You seem unimpressed with _The Enlightenment_. She's a ship, Mr. Rimmer, of holographic super-humans."

Arnold kept his gaze on the captain, though his stomach was twisting in knots. Something wasn't just not right, something was very, very wrong. "It's a lovely ship. Now I'd like to return to _Red Dwarf_ , if you please, Captain." Evie must be sick with worry by now. Was Cat watching over her? What about Michael; was he okay?

The captain set down his tea cup and fixed him with a knowing look. "We did a scan of you, Mr. Rimmer, and learned that you aren’t like any hologram we've ever come across. We wish to learn where you achieved such a status."

"Status? What are you driveling on about?" Then it came to him – his hard light body. He hadn't thought of himself as a hologram, let alone dwelled on his hard light body, in almost a year. Since before Michael was born, anyway. His face fell and his shoulders slumped. "Oh, that." He'd been kidnapped by a holographic crew and they wanted his hard light body. He was in deep smeg.

The captain raked a hungry gaze over his form, and Arnold just about held his disgust in check. "Yes, Mr. Rimmer, your hard light projection. You're going to tell us who you stole it from."

Thank the stars, they didn't want his actual body. He barely felt relief at that knowledge when it was replaced by indignation at the bold accusation. He struggled to keep his tone neutral as he replied, "I didn't steal it; it was given to me by a being known as Legion."

Platini smirked. "And I'm supposed to just believe you." The captain's eyes meandered over the other officers on the bridge. "If you please, provide us with the coordinates to this Legion."

"I don’t know what they are," Arnold whined, sweat breaking out on his forehead. What would happen to him if he couldn't give them coordinates? He didn't want to find out. "You'll have to handshake with _Red Dwarf_ to get them, assuming Holly can remember them."

Platini uttered what Arnold suspected was supposed to be a laugh. "Really, Mr. Rimmer. You don't know what the coordinates are and your computer may not remember them? What sort of ship are you running over there?"

"I'm not running anything!" he protested, his voice taking on a desperate edge. "Holly's in control of the ship, but he's not right. I think the ship's computer has gone senile. Maybe it's a computer virus, I don't know. I was only the ship's technician," he admitted, for once glad of his pitiful rank. He decided to tell them everything, anything to get them to let him go as quickly as possible. " _Red Dwarf_ was adrift in space for three million years, eventually accelerating to light speed. After we managed to slow down, we came across this space station, a laboratory that housed some of the greatest scientists. We went over in a ship-to-surface transport, met Legion and he did something to my projection unit to make me hard light. I don't know what or how," he finished, out of breath. He could feel a panic attack lurking at the back of his conscious and focused his thoughts on his family. Evie. Michael. Cat. He would get back to them. Holly would have the coordinates, give them to these smeggers and he'd be home in no time.

The captain nodded to his bridge officers and they began barking out instructions. Finally, Arnold heard, "Link established."

"Now, Mr. Rimmer, we'll see if you were telling the truth," the captain mused, disdain dripping from every syllable.

Arnold fluctuated between panic and dread. He recognized the captain's type; this Platini was an arrogant smegger who was used to getting what he wanted and didn't care who he crushed to get it. And right now, Arnold had what the captain wanted and he may as well have a target on his forehead. "I am," he replied more confidently than he felt. "Just, please, send me home once you get the coordinates." He could tell that his plea had fallen on deaf ears and again fought off a wave of panic.

"The _Red Dwarf_ computer is reporting massive CPU failure," someone, Arnold suspected the comm officer, reported. "Unable to bypass most corrupted pathways. A direct connection must be established in order to initiate repairs and retrieve the requested information."

"What about the ship's registry?" the captain asked.

"Our logs indicate that JMC _Red Dwarf_ was reported lost and all aboard recorded as dead on 2285.4 due to a radiation leak. Ship's complement lists one Rimmer, Arnold J. as Second Technician."

Arnold wasn't happy about the derisive tone that accompanied the announcement of his rank, but it at least proved his story. And they couldn't establish a transfer link with Holly. He had something the captain wanted very badly. Maybe he could turn this to his advantage. They were the cream of the Space Corps, weren't they? They had technology far superior to _Red Dwarf._ Maybe, just maybe, they'd come across other humans over the centuries. "Captain," he interjected. "May I offer a suggestion? An exchange, if you will."

With a quirked eyebrow, Platini indicated he was listening.

Arnold licked his lips and began the most important game of "chicken" in his life. "I'll get the coordinates out of Holly for you, if you provide the coordinates of the nearest planet or moon that has a human population."

Most of the bridge crew began sniggering and he looked around, confused. Why would that be funny?

The captain enlightened him. "Mr. Rimmer, we have no use for humans. We're far superior to their stilted intellect and limited life spans. Why would you want to be bothered with them?"

"My human family is on board _Red Dwarf_ , Captain," he stated quietly, listening as all activity ceased on the bridge to focus on him. "When the radiation leak occurred, my lover was in stasis, pregnant with my son. He's almost two years old now, and he and his mother are probably wondering if I'm coming home. I need to find out, for their sakes, if the human race exists anywhere else in the universe. I want them to live around other humans. I don't want to watch my son grow old and die, never knowing another living soul." His heart ached at voicing aloud his fears, but he had to make this ship's crew sympathize with him.

His impassioned plea didn't seem to affect the captain's stoic features, but Commander Crane stepped forward.

"Permission to validate Mr. Rimmer's claims and locate the nearest human settlement, Captain."

Arnold sent her a grateful look, then hardened his expression as he faced Platini. "Permission to return to my ship, Captain. I'll get your coordinates. I have everything to lose and nothing to gain if I should fail, sir," he tacked on, dredging up old bootlicking techniques he'd used to suck up to Hollister.

Platini regarded him and Crane, eventually declaring, "Permission granted to both of you. If you should deceive me, Mr. Rimmer, I'll transport you directly to our science lab and dismantle your light-bee to learn its secrets. You have two hours until I transfer you back to my bridge."

Overwhelming terror began to shake through his entire body, but Arnold managed to squeak out, "Understood, sir," and waited while he was transferred back home.

He materialized in the drive room, half a ship up from the living quarters. Smegging hell! "Holly!" he yelled, and was grateful when the familiar head popped up on the monitor.

"What happened, mate?" Holly asked, his expression worried. "What do they want with my processors?"

"It's not you they want," he explained quickly. "Contact Evie and tell her I'm fine, that I'm in the drive room and everything will be okay," he said as he punched at the keyboard, looking for a menu or file structure.

Holly's voice penetrated his near-panic. "What're you doing, Arnold?"

"Holly, did you tell Evie I'm okay?" he snapped as he hit the console in frustration. He didn't know where to begin to find the ship's flight log. Instead, he went over to the wall monitor and hit the "all ship" intercom. "Evie, I'm in the drive room. It's okay. They only wanted to talk to me."

Evie's face replaced Holly's and Arnold's heart took a tumble. She was hugging Michael to her, face red and indignant. "Those smegging bastards. How dare they! Who are they? What the smeg do they want?"

"They want my hard light body – the coordinates to the space station where I got it," he amended hastily. "Do you know how to pull up the ship's flight log?"

Grim determination set Evie's features. "I'll be right up," she growled before signing off.

"Hey, now, I can do that," Holly pouted.

"Would you, Holly?" Arnold asked, not getting his hopes up. The other ship had reported failing CPUs on _Red Dwarf_ ; it didn't bode well for Holly or their situation.

"Nothing to it." Holly hummed and bobbed his head, while screens scrolled at impossible-to-read speed all over the drive room. "What are you looking for?"

Arnold wasn't hopeful, but he had to try, for all their sakes. "Remember when we came out of light speed, the space station where I got my hard light body? I need those coordinates."

Holly's, "Oh," didn't fill Arnold with encouragement. In fact, his hope started to dip toward the floor.

He heard a commotion in the corridor and ran to grasp Evie up in a hug as she entered the drive room, Cat right behind her holding Michael.

"What's the fuss?" Cat demanded. "What do they want with you?"

"They want my body," Arnold explained between kissing Evie. The thought of never seeing her again caused his insides to twist and heave. If her desperate enthusiasm was anything to go by, she felt the same way about him.

"Oh, man, that's just sick," Cat spat, disgusted as he held one hand over Michael's ear.

Arnold dragged himself away from Evie's mouth. "Not _my_ body, but one like it. They're a ship of holograms and they're looking for an upgrade," he explained, following Evie over to the console. He watched her sure fingers fly over the keypad and buttons.  

"When about was this?" she asked. "Do you have an exact date?"

"The day Holly brought you out of stasis," Arnold stated with confidence. "We returned to _Red Dwarf_ and that's the first thing I did."

Nodding absently, Evie worked her way back through the ship's log until it got nearer to that time, then slowed down the search. "There are a lot of corrupted files," she noted, her tone worried.

Arnold leaned close and whispered, "The other ship tried to establish a link with Holly, but they said the CPUs were failing and that there were corrupted pathways."

She looked up at him, worry now in her gaze. "How badly do they want those coordinates?"

His mouth thinned to a small line. He was not going to tell Evie about the captain's threat to dismantle his bee. "What about _Starbug_? We went over to the space station in that; surely it has the same coordinates?"

Evie looked hopeful. "Do you remember which one?"

The ship had the full complement of fifteen ship-to-surface _Starbugs_ , and to Arnold, they all looked alike. He shook his head sadly. "I only know it had a holographic projection cage – it was the only way I could get over there." They were so close and he only had – he glanced at the readout – an hour left!

"It was like her name," Cat said, drawing their attention. He was twirling in a circle with Michael high above his head, the toddler giggling as the air blew through his hair.

"What do you mean, 'her name'?" Arnold asked as he took his son from Cat's antics.

Cat frowned at him and placed his hands on his hips. "It was the green ship, right? And the letters painted on the outside looked like her name," he pointed to Evie. "E-V-I-E."

"Six? Do you mean _Starbug_ VI?" Evie asked, growing excited.

"I don't know what that means," Cat said, distracted by a speck of lint on his suit. "I only know it was your name."

Evie grasped Arnold's shoulder, giving him a little shake. "We'll go down to the landing bay and check VI. We'll check all the _Starbugs_ until we find the right one. Okay?"

Arnold nodded his agreement and holding onto his son, trailed after Evie into the lift.

"They didn't hurt you, did they?" Evie asked nervously as they descended to the middle of the ship.

"They didn't touch me," he assured her, reaching out and laying a hand on her thigh. "They only want the coordinates of the outpost."

Evie covered his hand with hers, then asked, "Why did they let you go?"

Smeg. "They couldn't communicate with Holly, so I told them I'd get them the coordinates some other way." It wasn't a lie.

She sent him a _look_. "You're not telling me everything."

"I have about an hour before they transfer me back to their ship," he admitted, shifting Michael to let the little boy sit on his leg.

"And if you don't have the coordinates when they transfer you?" Evie pressed.

"Evie," he sighed and tried to figure out how to tell her.

Michael took that moment to announce, "Enee," to the both of them.

"What did he say?" Evie asked, astounded.

Arnold blinked down at his son, who was grinning up at Evie. "Eneeeee," Michael repeated and clapped his hands.

"You want your mum? You want Evie?" he asked quietly.

Michael nodded. "Eneee!" and to prove he meant what he said, Michael held out his arms toward Evie and opened and closed his hands in a, "give me," gesture.

"Oh, my God," Evie exclaimed as she picked up their son and kissed his cheek. "You beautiful, smart little boy!"

Arnold's heart raced faster than the lift taking them down to the landing bay. He would not fail his family. He would get those coordinates, he would find out where the nearest human colony was and he would get his family there.

The lift finally made it to the landing bay with forty minutes left on Arnold's countdown. "You check VI; I'll start on the others," he told Evie before running across to _Starbug_ I. It had no projection cage.

"Nothing in VI," Evie reported as she climbed back out of the ship and headed to V.

 _Starbug_ II didn't have a projection cage either, but the second Arnold stepped inside IV, he knew it was right. "Evie, in here!" he cried and sat down at the controls. That trip was the last time this _Starbug_ , or any ship-to-surface transport on _Red Dwarf,_ had been used. The logs should be the last things recorded. He wanted to check for himself, but feared he'd accidentally erase the coordinates. His leg jiggled nervously until Evie climbed aboard with Michael.

She passed their son to him as she sat next to him. "Yes," she muttered and called up the logs. "Yes!" She smiled over at him. "Got it."

"How do I get it to the other ship?" he asked. Captain Platini hadn't said, but without the ability to send a transmission, Arnold would need a disk or vid or something. He began to look around for a data chip, when Evie triumphantly held one aloft and found a slot for it. She recorded the data to the chip, triple-checked that the information was encoded properly and placed it in Arnold's hand with a quick kiss to his mouth.

"Don't lose this."

He handed Michael to her and kissed her back. "I won't. And I'll be back before you know it," he promised as he clutched the disk in his fist and awaited transfer. He had less than eight minutes.

=-=-=-=-=

"Captain, your coordinates," Arnold announced as he materialized on the bridge. He handed the data chip to an officer and waited impatiently while the information was processed.

"Confirmed, sir," the Russian officer proclaimed. "The coordinates correlate with the location of a classified military research base, circa 2234. We'll be in transmission range in two weeks."

"Well done, Mr. Rimmer," the captain praised him. "I believe we owe you this." Platini nodded to Crane, who pressed a data chip into Arnold's hand.

"Good luck to you, Mr. Rimmer," the redhead stated primly, but an odd, almost wistful look shone from her eyes.

"Thank you," he replied, unsure what to make of the look. "May I return to my ship, Captain?"

"Of course." The captain gave the odd salute. "Good luck to you and your…family, Mr. Rimmer."

"Thank you, Captain," Arnold enthused graciously, now that he knew he was going home. He felt himself dissipate, then rematerialized in the drive room on _Red Dwarf_. He sighed. "After all that smeg, the least they could have done was set me back in my quarters."

He called up Evie and told her he was on the way down to their quarters. He stared at the little chip that potentially held his family's future. They had a lot to talk about.


	5. Coming Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arnold once again has his wishes come true, but there's always a price to pay. He doesn't know if he can survive this one. Secrets are kept and revealed, and Red Dwarf is left behind. Rated NC17/mature for explicit sexual content.

After he explained what he'd traded for the coordinates to the space station, Evie stared at him in shock. "There may be human colonies out here?" she asked, breathless.

"That's what this little chip is going to tell us," Arnold declared, more bravely than he felt. What if it had all been a lie? What if there were no more humans anywhere, and Evie and Michael were the last survivors?

He fed the data chip into the computer and sat back on the bed, clutching Evie's hand. It took an ice age, but finally a star chart appeared, then little dots started filling in.

"Holly, can you get a fix on where we are on this chart?" Evie asked.

"Hang on a mo'," Holly said and the chart disappeared for an even longer ice age. Finally, the chart popped up with a tiny _Red Dwarf_ located in the lower right quadrant.

"Blow up the lower right quadrant, Holly, and tell us how long it will take to get to the nearest settlement," Arnold asked, trying to hide the quiver in his voice. If this chart was accurate, if it was current, it wouldn't be long before his family would be back with other humans.

The section of screen enlarged and a dot began to pulsate. "The closest settlement is MUZ11853," Holly projected, "At top speed, we should get there in about thirty years."

"Thirty years?" Evie despaired, while Arnold rejoiced, "Thirty years!" They turned to look at each other.

He couldn't hide his elation. "Evie, this is great! We're not alone in the universe. In just under thirty years, we'll be back among civilization again."

"But I want Michael to grow up with other children," she admitted, "Not discovering other people when he's 30 years old."

Arnold had been thinking about the stasis booths the Earth and colony ships had been filled with, and saw no reason they couldn't do the same. "What about stasis? You, Michael and Cat can go into stasis until we reach the settlement."

Evie reached up to caress his cheek. "But what about you? Can't you go into stasis with us?"

He covered her hand with his and shook his head. "I'm still a hologram, even if I forget sometimes. I can be powered down, but I'll still be aware. Besides, someone needs to make sure we're on course and Holly will need the company." He tried to maintain his bravado. "I can work on restoring parts of Holly's CPU and maybe improve on our speed."

A tear slipped down Evie's cheek. "I don't want to go without you."

He wiped the tear away with a trembling finger. "I'll still be here when you come out of stasis. I was here the first time, wasn't I?" he reminded her. A lump was forming in his throat, and he knew he didn't have much time before he broke down in front of her. "I'll ask Holly to prepare the stasis booth first thing in the morning."

Her eyes widened. "So soon?"

"The sooner we get started, the sooner we'll get there. I hope there's grass. I miss grass," he said wistfully, hoping to distract Evie from the thought of being separated for a third of his lifetime.

"Birds and squirrels," she added, putting her arms around him. "Making love under a tree."

He arched an eyebrow at her. "Indecent exposure? Why, you naughty girl."

"Did you say Cat would watch Michael all night?" she purred as her hands slipped to his lower back.

He hummed and started picking at the buttons on her blouse. "All night," he confirmed as he bent to nibble on her neck.

"If this is going to be our last night for thirty years, you better make it a good one," she threatened him lightly. "You'll need the memory to hold onto."

He groaned into her skin as his erection throbbed painfully in his pants. "You don't think I'll be wanking off every night, thinking of you?" he muttered into her skin. Putting them in stasis was a horrible idea. How could he survive thirty years without her? But he had to, to preserve his family. To give them the life they deserved. He hid his tears in her skin as he pressed kisses to her neck.

He pushed her blouse off, making quick work of her bra as he laid her down on the bed. He kissed and nipped his way down her body, pausing to worship at her breasts as he always did until she writhed underneath him and tugged at his hair. He went willingly, angling his mouth as their tongues clashed and teeth nipped at each other. His hands were busy undoing her pants and pushing them down, until he abandoned her mouth in favor of stripping her naked. He looked up over her feet, legs, hips, stomach and breasts to her face, where she watched him with half-lidded eyes.

He stripped off his clothes quickly, then settled over her, pushing her long hair off of her face. "You're the most gorgeous woman I've ever met," he whispered as he kissed her cheeks. "You're amazing," he added as he kissed her closed eyelids. "I adore everything about you," he murmured as he teased at her lips, keeping his distance as her tongue darted out.

Tears were leaking out of her tightly closed eyes and he kissed them, too. She opened her eyes and locked gazes with him, a threat and a promise shining from their blue depths.

"I'll be here when you come out, I promise," he insisted quietly as he pressed a chaste kiss to her lips. "I love you, Evie."

"I love you, Arn," she said, gripping his head fiercely and delving deep into his mouth.

He snaked a hand down her body to tease at her entrance, rolling his thumb over her clit just the way she liked it. He hissed as her grip tightened on his hair, the pain/pleasure causing his erection to pulsate with his first orgasm. Determined to catch her up, he pressed his thumb harder and slipped two fingers inside her, curling them just so…she arched under him and he rode out her orgasm, pressing kisses over her jaw and neck.

He quickly replaced his fingers with his erection, lifting her hips to get as deep as he could on the first thrust. He braced his hands just above her shoulders, giving him leverage to roll his hips up into her.

Her nails raked down his back, digging them deep into his arsecheeks as he pumped unsteadily into her. "Going…kill me," he gasped as he bent down to meet her waiting mouth. She bit his tongue playfully, which sent the second jolt of orgasm pulsating from his erection. It didn't slow him down; no, his second orgasm always set him off harder, faster, determined to bring her crashing down with him.

He heard the keen in her voice as she groaned his name on an endless, repeating loop. The keen got higher; he could feel her start to close around him and he felt himself teetering on the edge of his own orgasm. She gripped his arm as leverage to meet his thrusts, her other hand wrapped in his hair as she pulled him down to suck at his tongue. She released him with a wail, her back arching as she climaxed around him.

His hips pumped a few times more, but he couldn't hold on. He gasped, "Geronimo," as his last orgasm broke over him, nerves fried, muscles like water and sweat stinging his eyes. He lowered himself onto her sweaty body, pressing kisses to her neck and breasts, and muttered, "I love you," into her skin as if he could imprint the words onto her.

She stroked his hair and laughed breathlessly. "I hope so, otherwise I'd hate to see what you do to those you don't like at all." She shifted beneath him, a slight arch to her back as she dragged her foot up the outside of his leg.

He moaned helplessly as he felt his cock pulsate inside her, signaling the start of round two.

"Arn, Arn, Arn," she chided softly as she rubbed the flat of her palms along his shoulders. "You know the party's never over until one of us is unconscious."

He moaned again as she rolled them over, now straddling him and his awakening erection. "Why can't you be the unconscious one for once?" he whined as his hips bucked upwards, hearing her throaty groan as he felt himself thicken inside her.

"Because I keep in shape," she punctuated her taunt with a rock of her hips. Her hands slipped up his chest as she lay over him, resting her chin on his sternum. "Can we stay like this forever?" she asked quietly.

He wrapped his arms around her and tucked up his knees, drawing her up enough to press a kiss to her lips. "Anything you want, always," he said, and kissed her again. Their lazy kissing grew slowly more demanding, as Arnold did his best to grant her wish. He ignored his body's demands, denied himself his second orgasm, all the while bringing Evie to orgasm three, four times until she was crying and begging him to stop. He didn't think he could possibly be any deeper inside her, any closer to another human being, ever, when he finally let himself go with a cry that erupted from somewhere primal, somewhere he didn't know existed inside him.

When he came to, he was half off the bed, one of Evie's legs tangled with his. Bleary-eyed, he noticed she was fast asleep, though sweat still pooled along her clavicle. He felt a sticky, sated, very sore mess, but he wouldn't have changed one second of it. He peered at the clock; in a few hours he would have to say goodbye to her for thirty years. For her, it would be seconds, for him; an eternity.

=-=-=-=-=

He'd spent a lot of those 11,000 days staring at Evie, Michael and Cat frozen in time. He spent considerably less of those sixteen million minutes working on improving Holly. _The Enlightenment_ 's diagnosis – that _Red Dwarf_ 's CPUs were failing – still haunted him. He'd tried to figure out what was wrong, but that technical know-how eluded him even after decades of research. He'd shut down all but the ship's vital areas to conserve energy and to save Holly's run-time. He made do as best he could, and had managed to get the computer's IQ above 200. He considered the experiment a success, especially when Holly could now play chess and not call them "little horsies." He'd even gotten Holly interested in _Risk_ , though it was a bit harder to play with a computer.

He'd gotten back in the habit of sleeping at night, as it killed eight or so hours of the long stretch of days. He'd read a lot and had finally mastered Esperanto. He'd actually gotten three questions right on the astro navigation exam after the twentieth try, which he celebrated by having a drink and passing out in his old quarters. He'd fixed Bob after his cowboys and Indians mishap, much to the other skutters delight, and had completed a total ship's inventory that had made thirteen months fly by. He'd kept busy, as much physically as mentally, because he knew very well what solitude had done to Holly's processors.

He'd cheated a bit, of course. He'd asked Holly to shut him off for three weeks out of every year, so while he was still aware of his surroundings, the loneliness didn’t consume him.

For the past three months, he'd been communicating with the moon, which the inhabitants called Neutritan. They were still outside visual transmission range, but Arnold had given them all of the information they'd requested, and he'd requested plenty in return. If this was to be his family's new home, he wanted to know all about it before he let them set foot on the moon.

A scouting party from Rigel had settled there about a thousand years ago, and now boasted a human population of just over fifteen million across three continents. Since they were from Rigel, he'd rightly assumed they were descendents of the colonies that left the Milky Way galaxy. In some small way, he'd felt as if a bit of home had followed them out into deep space. He expected Evie would feel the same. It was boding well, then he stumbled across a nugget of information that confirmed that this was their new home:  Neutritan had half a continent of cat people!

When the scout ship landed, they'd been met by some of the cat race, who explained that they'd been there a very long time after escaping the Holy War. If Arnold hadn't been absolutely gobsmacked at finding a human settlement, he would have been just as thrilled at finding more of Cat's people.

The colony was administered by a Governess and elected government body. Laws were simple and straightforward, none of the political wrangling that had all but strangled Earth's politics. There were dozens of districts spread over the continents, and he'd been encouraged to select a few as potential places to settle down. There were schools, parks, neighborhoods and jobs to consider.

Ah. Employment may be an issue. Evie was a geomapper whose skills were best served on new landscapes, and he – well. He'd gotten better at a lot of different things, but his speciality, his main know-how, still resided in food dispenser repair. Perhaps one of the districts would have use of his skills.

They wouldn't need much, as he'd already started packing _Starbug_ with what he considered necessities. Ship's stores had enough left in them to feed, clothe and trade for whatever else they may need. If it came down to needing currency to pay for taxes and such, Arnold could run his own store front. He hated the idea of selling basics such as food for currency, but he couldn't quite shake his upbringing that the male provided for his family. Evie had cured him of most of his machoism, but he stubbornly clung to a few of his old ways.

"Arn, you wanted to know when the moon was in visible range," Holly's voice interrupted his thoughts.

His heart started thumping wildly in his chest. "How is it?" he asked.

"A bit small, if you ask me," Holly replied with a grin. "Your best view's probably in the observation dome, though it'll take a few weeks until you can see it proper-like."

He shrugged and stood, cracking his back as his body protested the move after so long being still. "What else have I got but time?" He walked up to the dome at the top of the ship, startling at the impressive view of the gas giant planet. Its swirling white and green bands of clouds reminded him vaguely of Neptune. The central star was a lot closer to this planet than the Milky Way's Sun, so it would be more temperate.

The Governess hadn’t mentioned the need for environmental domes, which would be odd. Both he and Evie had grown up beneath their controlled atmospheres, and now nothing would be between them and the void of space except the planet's own thin atmosphere. He shivered. It was a mind-blowing thought.

He settled himself in the lone chair and waited as _Red Dwarf_ slowly entered the solar system. Though it had been roughly three million, one hundred years since Holly had navigated _Red Dwarf_ through a solar system, he did it like a pro.

At first Arnold couldn't make out the tiny, rocky moon for all the blinding color of the gas planet. Then finally, the tiny grayish spot grew bigger and became a green spot, then a green orb with red and orange land masses. Holly's voice broke into his silent awe. "It's taken me four weeks, but I've set her in a wide orbit around the planet. We're getting a transmission from the moon, requesting ship's ident."

Arnold shook himself from his solitude and stood up, again stretching his body. "Send out general greetings and I'll meet you down in the comm room." He climbed down and hurried to the comm room, where the flashing "incoming" transmission message was waiting for him. "Open a link," he instructed Holly as he settled in the chair.

Within seconds, the monitor crackled to life and the familiar face of the Governess Othlo appeared. " _Red Dwarf_ , this is Governess Othlo of Neutritan. I bid you welcome," she greeted him with the thick accent Arnold had gotten used to from their previous communications.

"Good to see another human after so long, Neutritan," he exclaimed, unable to hide his enthusiasm. Ingrained protocol upon meeting superior officers took to the fore and he managed a deferential bow of his head. "We've communicated many times before, Governess; I'm Arnold McGruder." The lie slid smoothly off of his tongue after so long a use. He doubted Evie would mind his deception; she was very familiar with his feelings about his family and his unearned last name. Besides, he had a plan that would make his lie the truth.

The Governess' thin face broke into a smile. "It is good to finally meet you, Mr. McGruder. Has your family come out of stasis yet?"

He shook his head. "No, I was waiting until I had landing coordinates. I still need to discuss our living arrangements with Evie; do you have a neutral spot where we can land?"

If the Governess thought it odd he hadn't gotten his family out of stasis yet, she said nothing. "Of course. We use these coordinates for intra-system scouting ships," she looked down and Arnold could hear keys tapping. "It should be a sufficient area for your ship to land. When can we expect you?"

That was an excellent question. While he wanted to reacquaint himself with every inch of Evie and hold his son until the stars burned out of the sky, there were more pressing matters. Their full reunion could be postponed until they settled on their new home. "Give us half a day. It will take a few hours for _Starbug_ to get down to the moon, plus we do have a few things to discuss first."

"Very well, Mr. McGruder," she replied with a nod of her head. "I look forward to our meeting in person."

Arnold's excitement was building. "As do I, Governess. _Red Dwarf_ out." He punched the transmission closed and spun his chair in childish glee. They were almost home!

"Hello there," Holly announced as he popped back up on the monitor. "I've got the landing coordinates."

"Time to come with us, then," Arnold said as he tapped his watch.

Holly's face appeared on the watch face, grinning up at him. "Nice thing, this."

Arnold smiled down at him. "I wasn't going to leave you alone again, Holly. You deserve to be around other people, the same as the rest of us. Now, let's get my family out of stasis."

He walked the familiar path down to the stasis booth and watched in trepidation as the doors opened. He held his breath as the three figures remained immobile, then Evie flew into his arms and kissed him soundly. "I know it's only been minutes for me, but I couldn't stand thinking of you out here all alone," she breathed between kisses.

He savored her taste, her scent, her touch; everything he'd been without for three decades and felt tears spring to his eyes. His body reacted as he expected: his erection pulsated with his first orgasm but he shoved and stomped down his libido until he felt under control again. "Easy," he murmured as he gentled her kisses and stroked along her back, enjoying the simple sensation of touch again after so long.

It was a testament to how often Cat had seen him and Evie in an embrace that it didn't phase him in the slightest. "That's it?" Cat said as he stepped out of the stasis booth, holding Michael's hand. "I thought it was supposed to be thirty years later."

He broke away from Evie and laughed. "It has been thirty years, Cat." He smiled at the feline, remembering the secret he knew about their new home and his grin widened. "If you look out a viewport, you'll see our new home, Neutritan."

With Cat suitably distracted, Arnold crouched down and held out his arms to his son. "And how's my little man?" he asked, his voice thick with emotion.  

Michael looked at him seriously for a moment, said, "Da," and toddled over to him. Arnold swept his son up in a huge hug, the barely-contained tears now falling unashamed down his face.

He sniffed and wiped his free hand across his face. "Come on. I've packed everything I thought we'd need into _Starbug_ , so we're ready to go. I've been speaking to the colony for a few months and they're expecting us. They were a scouting party from Rigel, about fifteen million colonists in all."

"Fifteen million!" Evie exclaimed, her expression lighting up. "I wasn't expecting so many."

"Thereabouts," he teased, not wanting to give away Cat's secret. "I'll fill you in on the way down; it'll take about two hours. All protocols have been met, now it's time to go home. Cat, time to go," he called to distract the feline from the viewport.

"It's huge," Cat said as he walked backwards away from the view.

Arnold didn't bother to hide his grin. "That's the gas giant that the moon orbits. We're heading for the green and orange smudge just below the viewport."

Evie glanced through a viewport and gasped. "It looks like Neptune."

Arnold clasped her hand and gave it a squeeze. "I thought so, too. It's a good sign." He finally corralled his family into the lift and continued to hold tight to Evie until they were at _Starbug_ 's hatch.

He passed Michael onto Cat and nodded to the doorway. "You go ahead. I packed some of your wardrobe, but I wasn't sure what you considered a necessity. If you want to start inventorying, we can make another trip back up here for whatever I missed."

Cat's incisors gleamed in the landing bay lights. "Really? Thanks, Arnold!"

He tugged gently on Evie's hand as she made to follow Cat inside.

"What's wrong?" she asked, searching his face with worry shining from her gaze.

He smiled and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I've had plenty of time to think over the years, and what I thought about were you and Michael and Cat; my little family. It didn't seem important when it was just us, but now that we're about to join society again, I want to make sure everything is perfect." He pulled the ring off of his pinky and dropped to one knee. "I know it's an ancient and antiquated ritual, but I'd like to marry you."

She covered her mouth with her hand, tears and laughter vying for dominance. "Arn, I'm supposed to marry _you_ ," she spluttered.

He shook his head, his eyes shining with unshed tears. "I'd much rather marry you. I've already told the colony that my name is Arnold McGruder. If you're to make an honest man of me, you'll have to marry me."

Tears slipped down her face as she pulled him to his feet. "You daft bugger," she murmured between kisses. "I love you all the more for it."

"Glad to hear it," he murmured, "Because I'm hopelessly in love with you." He pulled back, took her hand and slipped the ring on her third finger. "I scoured the ship's stores until I found one that matches your eyes." He held up his left hand, where an identical ring rested on his third finger. "Luckily, they had two."

She laughed again and threw her arms around him. "Let's go home, Arnie."

He escorted her into the ship, then settled in the pilot's chair.

"Don't you want me to pilot?" she asked, but he waved her into the navigator's seat.

"All that time alone, I had to do something besides think and wank," he admitted gruffly. "I'd have no palm or joystick left if I didn't." He shot her a rueful grin as her peal of laughter echoed in the cockpit.

He started up the engines and maneuvered _Starbug_ out of the landing bay, pointing her toward the planet. He kept up a monologue of almost everything he'd learned about the moon, its inhabitants, the districts and options they had for settling down. He voiced his concern about currency and employment, but offered the ship's store as a viable option. Finally, the gas giant filling the viewscreen gave way to the much smaller green and orange planet. "Welcome to Neutritan."

He set the ship down at the landing coordinates that Holly had fed into the ship's computer, then opened the hatch and turned to his little family. "Shall we?"

He scooped up the sleeping Michael as he and Evie let Cat go first. They nearly bumped into Cat as he stopped in the open hatchway and sniffed. "It smells like home."

"What do you mean, home?" Arnold asked, though he had a suspicion.

"It's familiar," Cat insisted, though both he and Evie looked confused at how that could be. Arnold tried to affect a perplexed expression as well.

Holly hadn't known how long Cat had been without his people around, so Arnold wasn't surprised that he wasn't able to identify other cat's smell right away. Hopefully, the Governess had remembered his recount of the tiny group of two humans, one hard light hologram and one _felis sapiens_.

Arnold followed Cat down the stairs, confident that Cat's abilities would alert them to any danger. He saw three forms approaching the ship and stiffened; it'd been over thirty years since he'd seen anyone other than his family. This was really real; he was about to meet the humans of this colony. He felt Evie's hand tighten on his arm; she was nervous, too.

The Governess stepped forward from the other two, a man and another woman. "Welcome to Neutritan," she greeted them warmly. "I am Regina Othlo, Governess of this colony. You have landed in Myrdrana, the capital city. Just beyond that tree grove is Iotoo, our capital house." Her grey eyes landed on him. "Mr. McGruder, it is good to meet you in person."

He nodded. He didn't mean to be rude, but he was too choked up to actually speak. From being practically on his own for thirty years, to having his family back and fifteen million people to talk to, he was experiencing sensory overload.

"Thank you for the welcome," Evie spoke for him, though her voice trembled a bit.

The Governess' smile was sympathetic. "I offer you guides in your exploration of our colony." She turned to the man at her left, "This is John Ipsan, Chief Elder of Myrdrana and this is…"

"Well, helloooo," Cat interrupted as he smoothly glided over to the other female. "I'm Reginald Bartholomew Gangsley Hyperion Frederick Maldrick Thurston the Third. What's your name?"

Arnold heard Evie gasp next to him it broke him of his incapacitation. He smiled fondly as he watched the two cats sniff delicately at each other, then a rumbling reached his ears – were they purring?

"Eleanor the Twelfth," the female cat introduced herself. "Pleased to meet you."

Cat bowed and licked the back of her extended hand. "The pleasing is all mine."

"She's a cat!" Evie hissed, a smile breaking over her features. "Did you know?" she turned and asked Arnold.

His grin turned cheeky and she slapped his arm. "Why didn't you say anything?"

He shrugged the one shoulder not supporting his son. "You had to have a few surprises about your new home, didn't you?"

The Governess and Mr. Ispan smiled. "One never knows how cats will react upon meeting each other. It was best for them to gradually get used to each other. They may have fought, otherwise."

Arnold blinked. Oh. He hadn't known that. His cheeky grin turned sheepish and Evie slapped his arm again. "Ow," he hissed and frowned at her.

He dragged his attention back to their hosts. "Thank you for your hospitality. This is my wife, Yvonne, and our son, Michael. And you've met Cat – Reginald," he corrected himself.

"Welcome," the Governess repeated with a warm smile. "Please, let the Chief Elder show you the city. It is one of many you can choose from to settle down."

He shot a sideways look at Evie, and she seemed to be thinking the same thing. He looked back to the Governess. "If it's okay, we'd like to explore on our own, no offense intended to Mr. Ispan," he nodded politely. "It's just…a bit of a shock, having people around. I've been alone in space almost thirty years."

"Oh, no," the Governess tutted. "You shall have all the time you need to adjust. We have all experienced stasis sleep before, you have no fear from us." She stepped forward and handed Evie a small communication device. "Use this to contact the main government house if you have questions or need assistance."

"Thank you," Evie said, and they watched the Governess and the Chief Elder walk back to the city, while Cat and his new lady friend wandered away to their right.

Once they were alone, Arnold leaned down and kissed Evie as deeply as he could while balancing Michael on his shoulder. "I love you, you know that?"

"And I love you," she replied with a wink. He felt her hand slip down to cup his arse and jumped. "I think someone's long overdue for a workout, don't you?"

"Not in front of Michael!" he hissed, turning their son away from her.

To his chagrin, Evie burst into laughter. "Really, Arn, are you going to turn into a prude on me?"

His body hadn't forgotten its interrupted pleasure, and it was growing demanding, in more ways than one. But he'd be smegged if he was going to make love to his future-pseudo-already wife with his son asleep not three meters from them. He felt heat on his cheeks and narrowed his gaze at her. "We'll have to find a suitable babysitter now, if Cat's got a lady friend. I don't want Michael hearing our screams of ecstasy and wonder if we're killing each other."

She sighed theatrically and sent him a patient smile. "Let's go and meet the neighbors, then, Arn. I don't want to wait _too_ long before getting you naked again." Evie shifted her arm up higher until she had it around his waist, and they followed the path the Governess had taken into the city.

The End


End file.
